Living in the moment ? 

sorry for my poor written English, I only want to share my thoughts and feelings over here. Thanks for the understanding.

Recently I just ended my 3 years relationship with someone which I think that he might be the one . But due to circumstances , we are not able to open our relationship in office. To him he also feel that it is also better to not open our relationship to his family also. He give a reason that his sister will inform our boss about our relationship and it is better to keep it a secret. I know a lot of people will tell me to leave him , because he is not going to open our relationship because he his just buying time to enjoy. I agree that we did have a lot of fun together, he adored me very much and take good care of me and I am very blessed and happy that he I have found him. Every moment with him is awesome. Only one issue, to keep our relationship a secret. It had bug me some moment of my life when, I feel that if he really love me, he will want to open our relationship.  I just keep quiet because the reason that he give me that his sister is our collegue is the reason our relationship have to be kept a secret to his family. 

Things change in year (2015) , his sis left the company. The reason he gave is no valid now. Since his sister left, we can open our relationship right ? His answer is still no. This time round , his reason is ” I am not sure whether we will be marry, I don’t know how our relationship will goes, only when I want to marry then I think it’s time to bring you home ” the trust have fallen by half now. It’s hurting for a moment to be with someone for 3 years and going weekly to his house and the parents don’t even know who am I. I felt so stupid . I am a woman when come to love I become a stupid woman.

Actually 90% of the time in our 3 years relationship , I feel happy and I glad that he is with me. Only once in a blue moon when something trigger I will thought about our secret relationship and I cannot take it. 

This bring me to my topic (sorry for the long winded story) . living in the present ? Looking forward to a future ? I struggle between this 2 choices. I am someone who believe in living in the moment. That the reason why I hold on this relationship for 3 years , because I am happy in it. The fear of leaving this relationship will make me sad. But logical thinking , this is a no future relationship, following my heart , I know that we can just be happy and fun for few more years. BUT , I am 33 years old , how many more years I can happy go lucky to be with this guy who can t even introduce me to his family. Does living in the moment i need to give up on the future ? I am confused . My fear of the unknow future with this guy question our relationship. 

Love is not expecting anything in return (the unconditional love) . If I fully love this person I have no regret. Sometime , we woman wanted to love unconditionally but the fear of am I giving my love to the correct man is what stop us from loving unconditionally. I tried , but I failed. That why I am leaving this relationship. Giving up the temporary happiness now , to look for my true happiness. I feel sad and disappointed, and I wasted my time on this guy, living in a moment with no future plan about us.  Every relationship makes us grow , we learn something from each failed relationship. Our environment , make us woman aware of our biological clock. The cycle of getting married and have children to complete our cycle. This that what life is all about for us woman ? I still trying to figure out this. But I know my life is much more useful in this world then to worry about whether I will be married and have children. For me , I believe in cultivating inner happiness.  When the within world  is happiness , the without world will followed. 

I hope woman like me , who is in the secret relationship or third party. Pls awake and walk out of any relationship that does not give a better future ( abuse( my past relationship is a emotional abuse case) I will talk about it next time), no future planning, insincere, etc) ) Your heart will trigger something that something is wrong. Pls listen to this call.

I am moving forward, I believed I will find my awesome beloved in this world who is also looking for me in other part of the world. 

Thank you Universe for giving me the Courage and Love to move on in my life.

With,

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

   

My Purpose 

  

Part one was written on 19 June 2015

Just as a lot of people are looking for life purpose .. What is my life purpose .. After so many years , I realized tt life purpose does not drop some the sky. Suddenly one day when u are awake you know what is your life purpose . Now I feel that life purpose is something that your give meaning to . Because your feel that this career or biz or job is meaningful , u decide to give it a purpose . This is how I define life purpose . I know that one of my weakness is lack of focus . I have many many different ideals to make money . Many ideal on biz . But never did I really go do . Because I have my insurance biz which I feel is meaningful. I have not truly focus on this biz becos , this career have still not given me the money that I wan . When ever reading my tarot . Recently four of cups always out . This cup mean , count your blessing now . Focus on the present things tt I have no . Dun look outside for other solution . Somehow enlighten me abit. And I am still learning to control myself.  I wan to focus in my career , to expand . Tarot ask me to go deeper den material gain which I still trying to figure out . Because now , the basic money I still don’t have . I need this basic first in order to go to the deeper level of needs . I need to have money first in order to find deeper meaning . Growth is important . I agree that I am not a saint which can survive without money. In this material world , everything is money , I have to provide for my family , I still have to eat , transport , all these all need money . I can use the money that I earn for better use . To help people, make my family happier . This is a realistic world , althought my parents dun say give them a lot of money , frankly speaking , any family member who give money , the eyes are all brighten . This is the world . Money make people happy . But only for a while . I feel that for family member you have to provide things that money can’t buy, eg, love , care and concern , listening ear, quality time together , giving , cooking for them . Den money will be a bonus to increase the happy to next level . The level where they think they have a good awesome life 幸福生活. Money is the catalyst to enhance life . To improve . I tried to think deeper , apart from those material , supercritical things , but as daily events keep pulling me back to thinking about money . Can. I change this thought or focus , I think can. I am still learning . Hope universe will send me signs to guide me regarding all these temption and challenges in my life .

Thank you Universe , With Love , Alicecbn
Part two was written on 16 sept 2015 ( tarot temperance) 
Based on the above written journal on 19 June 2015 for finding my purpose . Thanks you Universe for sending my signs and guidance . I have found my purpose in life.

MY LIFE PURPOSE : GIVE HOPE (Light the FUTURE, Light the WORLD)
Few months ago , things are blurred . I can saw clearer now , I am not sure whether this is the result of mediation of me clearing my mind and thoughts. I slowly slowly know what I want to do for my life here . To live a meaningful and useful life in this earth. I doing things different now . Better at managing my money now . I have access that I want to give to people in the third world country . I feel especially emotion to help kids from the Africa part . Even a few dollars can help them to have food on the table . Kids in Africa are suffering and people in the first and second world people are going for material things . Cafe, desinger bags, holiday, good food etc. a few thousand dollar bag can be their whole life food on the table , and life time of education . We are a blessed to have live in the first world country like singapore . Pls count your blessing and appreciate the things and people Around . This is the cause that I CHOOSE to help with the money that I earn . My insurance biz is a meaningful career . It’s also linking to giving hope to people when in crisis and when everything is dark and seem hopeless . I want to give hope with everyone I touch to give them HOPE for a better future , a better world. Now I have access , I give some of my money to charity to help kids in the third world country . I hope that Universe , you can give me the power , money , love , abundance in life . So that I can use my wealth wiser to help the poor people in other parts of the world , to rise awareness to fortunate people to use their wealth in a more meaningful ways. 
Thank you Universe,
Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Using one candle to light the next candle and the next candle light the next candle . Light the world , light the soul , light the path, light the future . Everyone is lightworker.