Running away 

I want to run away from the relationship. I am so afraid that if I open my heart more I will die of suffocation. Hope that writing this journel today will make me feel better . I am still in a no status relationship . 3 years plus and still no commitment on his side. Am I too stupid to stay by his side ? I dunno know . Am I blinded by LOVE. Will I regret in the future if I choose to be with this guy. Is he the one ? All these are the thoughts I always have in my mind. 

I made a bet . A bet on my love life , marriage life . If I lose I might not be able to have kids and my chance of getting married will be lower . I made a bet on this guy . Will I win ? Will I lose? I am tired , I am scared , I want to run away . I don’t even know whether running away is initiated from my heart or my logic mind . I know I wanted to stay and to fight for my love . Am I fighting for the right LOVE?  I don’t even know. Can universe send me signs as in is he the one . I often ask universe , till now I have not see any signs given to me . Or I am too blinded to see the signs or I choose to ignore the signs. I don’t know . I am confused , helpless. If I tell my friends , most of my friends will say leave him . But he is really a good  man , everything is good except for the commitment part. 

Do man really treat a woman so well when he don’t love her ? Commitment and love are two different things? If he is not the one , I only hope that he will just leave me and treat me badly so that I will not fall for him so much . He is treating me so well and we are still so loving. What should I do ? Believe that True love really exist and keep holding and have faith in my love ? 

70% of the time I am positive , 30% of the time I am negative . Today happened to fall in the 30% . Maybe because we did not really have a proper full date for 3 weeks already . Sometimes it’s really my issue , am I too clingy , dependent . I don’t know . If we only meet 1 time for dinner during weekday and maybe 1 time for lunch during a weekend(not a full day spend on weekend) and I still feel that it is not enough . Am I being too dependent?

Just my insecurity surfacing , I fear of being vulnerable. I am Sad , disappointed but mostly I am scared and confused of the uncertainty 

I shall end my emotional journel today. Hope tomm will be a beautiful day 

Thank you , Universe 

Love & Light