The Head and The Heart 


I just woke up from a horrible falling dream , during my last moment of my life (In the dream) , I surrender to death . It feels so real in my dream . The intensity of the fall and the moment of surrendering . I woke up .

Why I am having this dream ? 

Most of the time dream are link to waking moment .

Two days ago I just have a talk with my man about why he don’t want to let his Sister and Mom know about our relationship .

His reasons:

1) Not getting marriage anytime soon. No known pressure 

2) He don’t want to get married 

Although it hit me hard  . Before I asked, I already knew what he was going to say. All the while I don’t dare to face the truth .

But things change when we had our first confrontation back in May , I stood up for myself . Back then I did not know I have the courage to voice myself . 

After the confrontation, I found my courage to speak my heart.

So I muster my courage to ask him AGIAN . I am always asking him this question once every year . Everytime I get the answer , I will be crying and be extremely sad. This time round it’s different . I can feel the difference in me . I am calm and LOGICAL during the conversion 

I know you reader will say I am stupid and I agree with you all . Most of you will say leave this asshole . 

I am stupid , I know 

My Head (aka The Mind) says : “Leave this man , he is wasting your time if he don’t want to get married “

My Heart says: “He really adore and love you and you know that . You can feel that .”

My heart is aching as I write this journal . 

I always don’t have the luck in love . I have been thinking that maybe there must be a lesson that I have not learn through all my failed relationship . This current one is a challenge for me to learn something . An important lesson . 

What is this important lesson that I need to learn that universe keep putting me in difficulties in all my love relationship. 

My Guess :

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE 

I never understand why two people who love eachother cannot be together .  This only happened in Korean drama . 

Why the man have to link with his head and not his heart .

Till now I still don’t understand .

I hope in the few months time I will see the truth and understand what universe is trying to teach me .

For now , I will surrender to what is . Cause I know in my heart I can’t leave him .

I shall end my journal here. Thank you for reading

Thank you universe for the challenges in my life 

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

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