I never feel proud of my Mom 

I think a lot of people will be like “huh” when they saw the title. So disrespectful or disgraceful and unappreciate , that’s what their thoughts will be .

But I love my mom , she is really an awesome Mother who gave us a lot of freedom since young . 

Why am I writing a journal today ? 

I realised that whenever my mom make a mistake or do something that I think it is stupid to me . Everytime I would overreact. That’s when I realised that I do have Mommy issue since childhood. But I never realised until today I make a big fuss and nag at her for damaging the washing machine for the second time during the 3 years period for over loading. 

I also do not know why when it comes to my Mom I always overreact toward her. Maybe this is a deep healing issue within me that I always conceal it . I hope writing will let me understand more of my inner self . So I decided to write today. 

I always feel very bad after using harsh word on her. 

Whenever I tell my mind : ” Today I am going to treat my Mom well ”

Funny enough , things always happened and I always lose my temper on her .

It’s like a cycle and it is never ending . I realised this is a hidden inner self issue that I was not known of .

Until today , I really ask myself this :

” Why do I always over react whenever it is things that concern of my Mom ? ”

I looked back at my childhood life of me and my mom . 

I know I am very bad for saying this . Since young , I never feel proud of my Mom and actually I do feel ashame whenever I am out with her when I was in primary school, my teenage years.

Because all my friend’s Mom are so young and beautiful , Only my mom who look older because she married late and had me at age 35. But during that era , most people married young . And most children have young parents. 

When I was young , I always ask myself “Why my mom is so old?”

I think because of my this childhood wound that have been concealing since forever , until today I dig deeper myself. 

Some of the spiritual teacher say , the first step to spiritual journey is to heal ourselves first. And in order to heal ourselves, as a woman to heal our feminine side, we need to heal past issue we had with our Mom. I am not sure why the teacher say that . 

For that moment I was thinking “hmmm , I don’t have any issue with my mom”

Until today , I realised I do have deep issue within me regarding my Mom that I still hold on to which might be the cause of multiple failure of my relationship . 

Maybe deep down I was so afraid that I will married late and have kids late ( I am already in the path ) . And I will walk down the path same as my mom . My kids will dislike me because I am an old Mom .

I should love and accept my Mom full heartedly in order to heal myself fully . I also don’t know what I should do . I love her but I can’t control my reaction .

I just have to learn not to react when things happen . Because most of the time the result of our reaction aftermath is mostly regrets. 

For now , I can only say sorry to her soul in my heart. 


Ending my journal here, I hope universe will guide me through this Mommy issue thingy .

Thanks for reading !!! 

Thanks Universe for creating events to let me see myself deeper .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

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Am I still a doormat girl ?


I have been a doormat girl in all my past relationship . In the beginning is the man who fall for me first , and most of the time I don’t really thought about them as my Boyfriend material . But when I fall in love , I fall really hard . Always at the end of all my past relationships I am always badly wounded in my heart. 

What lesson I have not learn ? What skill and character or confidence I have not build within my self these few years ? 

I keep asking myself these few weeks. 

Just saw a Post on Facebook by a Friend . Her BF have to request her to cook him something he want to eat .

This lead me to think

 “How come I have to ask my man what he want to eat  and I will cook for him ?” 

“Am I a pleaser ?” 

“What my value in this relationship ?”

If anywho who read my journal before know that I am in a no status relationship . 

I know I am stupid and most woman would have leave this man if she is in a no status relationship for almost 4 years. 

I know there is something in me that I am lack of , insecure , incomplete . Or I just don’t trust myself or the universe that I deserve someone better .

Maybe these are all the scars that have been left from all the past relationships. I am trying my best to heal myself and be a better person .

I want to walk out from the shadow from my past relationship . I just need me to be stronger and braver . 

I am still in my journey to self discovery . To understand myself more and to love myself . I know I still have those shadow from the past which is brought to My current relationship. Making me don’t trust myself that I can find my true love . 

I do not fear that my man leave me for someone . Actually I also don’t know what I am fear about . Maybe I am fear of being alone . This is deep within me that I have to handle myself. 

Am I still a pleaser in my this relationship ? 

Maybe only 20% . My man please me most of the time , and I always feel bless and grateful . It’s this no status relationship thingy which is haunting and polluting my mind . Because of this , I Judge my man . I do not see him as who he is ( The true him ) . I judge him base on the decision that he made . 

Whenever we judge someone , we are not feeling from the heart . When we judge, we are controlled by our mind . When we judge , we don’t respect people decision and perspective . 

When we judge , we don’t Love .

Judging have become an imprint habit for most of the people . It’s very hard to unlearn this trait which is deeply rooted and everyone is doing it . 

Only our heart (aka soul) tell the truth , I have been a believer of following my heart. My soul tell me that my man is an awesome man and that is the reason my soul never leave him . She is always on his side ( his true soul aka the being ) 

We are controlled by our mind all our life . The mind don’t like to be hurt , it is very protective and defensive . But true Love needs to be vulnerable. I know it hurt but I believe that someday Love will lead me to my rainbow .

Thanks for reading my journal . Writing journal really benefit me a lot . I feel that writing makes me use my heart and I can control my mind and sort out my thinking clearly . 

Really appreciate , Love you ❤️

Thank you Universe for the Love and the guidance. You are the best !!! Love You ❤️

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

The EGO Story


Recently I have been re-reading ‘The Power of Now ‘ from Eckhart Tolle

My journal here will document every thoughts and feelings that came across my mind.

Hear my story about ‘The EGO‘:

EGO is a defensive, scary ,controlling little Monster .

EGO likes problems, conflict , enemies and drama in it’s life.

EGO cannot surivie without drama in its life .

EGO love to create drama for fun and is an attention seeker.

EGO fear Peace 

EGO and Peace cannot co-exist 

Peace is gentle ,loving , free , happy little Angel 

Peace love harmony,peaceful and happiness in its life .

Whenever Peace is here to visit EGO, EGO will create a lot of problem and trouble for Peace just to get rid of Peace , so that Peace will go away. Normally Peace will go away . EGO is so afraid of Peace taking away its territory . In order to protect EGO’s territory, So EGO also very hardworking , EGO create more drama , more problem , more conflict just to protect itself. This threaten EGO sense of self . But Peace never give up , Peace always use loving kindness in return . Until one day EGO will know that this is not where it should belong and leave . 

Just a little story I created using my experience on my own ego.  I realized that whenever I want Peace in my life . Unconsciously I myself will create problem and conflict in my life. After reading ‘The power of Now’ . I found out that actually my ego is defending itself from disappearing . We are condition since young and this world is build on EGO. We hold on to our ego like it is us . But in actual facts, the Ego does not represent us . Without Ego, we will be a better person. I am still learning to be at peace with myself through meditation and be conscious whenever I can . 

Thanks for reading , I know my English is not good . I hope you do understand what i am trying to say.

Thank you Universe for all the knowledge

Love & Light 

Alicecbn