Am I still a doormat girl ?

I have been a doormat girl in all my past relationship . In the beginning is the man who fall for me first , and most of the time I don’t really thought about them as my Boyfriend material . But when I fall in love , I fall really hard . Always at the end of all my past relationships I am always badly wounded in my heart. 

What lesson I have not learn ? What skill and character or confidence I have not build within my self these few years ? 

I keep asking myself these few weeks. 

Just saw a Post on Facebook by a Friend . Her BF have to request her to cook him something he want to eat .

This lead me to think

 “How come I have to ask my man what he want to eat  and I will cook for him ?” 

“Am I a pleaser ?” 

“What my value in this relationship ?”

If anywho who read my journal before know that I am in a no status relationship . 

I know I am stupid and most woman would have leave this man if she is in a no status relationship for almost 4 years. 

I know there is something in me that I am lack of , insecure , incomplete . Or I just don’t trust myself or the universe that I deserve someone better .

Maybe these are all the scars that have been left from all the past relationships. I am trying my best to heal myself and be a better person .

I want to walk out from the shadow from my past relationship . I just need me to be stronger and braver . 

I am still in my journey to self discovery . To understand myself more and to love myself . I know I still have those shadow from the past which is brought to My current relationship. Making me don’t trust myself that I can find my true love . 

I do not fear that my man leave me for someone . Actually I also don’t know what I am fear about . Maybe I am fear of being alone . This is deep within me that I have to handle myself. 

Am I still a pleaser in my this relationship ? 

Maybe only 20% . My man please me most of the time , and I always feel bless and grateful . It’s this no status relationship thingy which is haunting and polluting my mind . Because of this , I Judge my man . I do not see him as who he is ( The true him ) . I judge him base on the decision that he made . 

Whenever we judge someone , we are not feeling from the heart . When we judge, we are controlled by our mind . When we judge , we don’t respect people decision and perspective . 

When we judge , we don’t Love .

Judging have become an imprint habit for most of the people . It’s very hard to unlearn this trait which is deeply rooted and everyone is doing it . 

Only our heart (aka soul) tell the truth , I have been a believer of following my heart. My soul tell me that my man is an awesome man and that is the reason my soul never leave him . She is always on his side ( his true soul aka the being ) 

We are controlled by our mind all our life . The mind don’t like to be hurt , it is very protective and defensive . But true Love needs to be vulnerable. I know it hurt but I believe that someday Love will lead me to my rainbow .

Thanks for reading my journal . Writing journal really benefit me a lot . I feel that writing makes me use my heart and I can control my mind and sort out my thinking clearly . 

Really appreciate , Love you ❤️

Thank you Universe for the Love and the guidance. You are the best !!! Love You ❤️

Love & Light 



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