I never feel proud of my Mom 

I think a lot of people will be like “huh” when they saw the title. So disrespectful or disgraceful and unappreciate , that’s what their thoughts will be .

But I love my mom , she is really an awesome Mother who gave us a lot of freedom since young . 

Why am I writing a journal today ? 

I realised that whenever my mom make a mistake or do something that I think it is stupid to me . Everytime I would overreact. That’s when I realised that I do have Mommy issue since childhood. But I never realised until today I make a big fuss and nag at her for damaging the washing machine for the second time during the 3 years period for over loading. 

I also do not know why when it comes to my Mom I always overreact toward her. Maybe this is a deep healing issue within me that I always conceal it . I hope writing will let me understand more of my inner self . So I decided to write today. 

I always feel very bad after using harsh word on her. 

Whenever I tell my mind : ” Today I am going to treat my Mom well ”

Funny enough , things always happened and I always lose my temper on her .

It’s like a cycle and it is never ending . I realised this is a hidden inner self issue that I was not known of .

Until today , I really ask myself this :

” Why do I always over react whenever it is things that concern of my Mom ? ”

I looked back at my childhood life of me and my mom . 

I know I am very bad for saying this . Since young , I never feel proud of my Mom and actually I do feel ashame whenever I am out with her when I was in primary school, my teenage years.

Because all my friend’s Mom are so young and beautiful , Only my mom who look older because she married late and had me at age 35. But during that era , most people married young . And most children have young parents. 

When I was young , I always ask myself “Why my mom is so old?”

I think because of my this childhood wound that have been concealing since forever , until today I dig deeper myself. 

Some of the spiritual teacher say , the first step to spiritual journey is to heal ourselves first. And in order to heal ourselves, as a woman to heal our feminine side, we need to heal past issue we had with our Mom. I am not sure why the teacher say that . 

For that moment I was thinking “hmmm , I don’t have any issue with my mom”

Until today , I realised I do have deep issue within me regarding my Mom that I still hold on to which might be the cause of multiple failure of my relationship . 

Maybe deep down I was so afraid that I will married late and have kids late ( I am already in the path ) . And I will walk down the path same as my mom . My kids will dislike me because I am an old Mom .

I should love and accept my Mom full heartedly in order to heal myself fully . I also don’t know what I should do . I love her but I can’t control my reaction .

I just have to learn not to react when things happen . Because most of the time the result of our reaction aftermath is mostly regrets. 

For now , I can only say sorry to her soul in my heart. 


Ending my journal here, I hope universe will guide me through this Mommy issue thingy .

Thanks for reading !!! 

Thanks Universe for creating events to let me see myself deeper .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s