The Real Me

My life have been a mess since I scrapped my car . I am still trying to hold on to myself and be strong . Things have not been smooth recently especially with the finance part (eg, my online purchases on hold , or processing error holding my money in PayPal etc) . It seem like the more I hold on to my money the More I lose my money . I am not sure how come I become like that after I scrapped my car . I feel so so lousy. 

Now I am holding on to Money more tightly. I am more careful when using or spending . Things just not flowing in my financial part . By right after I had scrapped my car , my financial should be getting better . I should be in abundance . But i realised I never had a feeling of abundance after I scrapped my car . All the while I always thought that my car is the main issue of my financial failure . Now I realised that it is me all along for the cause of my financial failure . I do not feel abundance , I never feel that I will be rich. I am still the poor me with or without car . 

Scrapping my car, show me who I am truly are . My real self , the self where I detest , the self where I am running away , the lousy, poor and ugly self . The self that I don’t want to face . Universe keep knocking me in a way to show me who I am really are, the bad side of me. The side of me where I denied for many years . 

In my deepest heart , I never feel that I will live in abundance , or I deserve love or marriage  or a happy ending . I always Have negative thoughts deep down , but I always sugar coated my negative thoughts . As Usual , always Believing that I am a very positive person . Actually deep down i am a very insecure ,lack of confident negative person . I never accept the negative side of me . I always show the positive side to the outside world . 

I am not happy and scare that this side of me have surface after so many years. I am afraid , I feel like running away . But it is infront of me now , the another side of me. That’s why I say my life is in a mess now . Because I do not know what I need to do to get rid of this self that I hate to see . I am helpless , I have been helpless for a month now , since I scrapped my car. 

After writing this journal , I see more clearly now . This car lesson is here to teach me to forgive, embrace and love  ‘the not so good side’ of me . I am who I am today . If I , myself do not accept myself whole heartedly, nobody will be able to help me . I will just live in denial for the rest of my life. I will gather my strength to embrace this side of me with love.

Thanks Universe for knocking me up , pls give me Strength !!!

Thank you for reading my journal

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Bullshit System in the corporate world


Let say recently my company just introduce a stupid system to make sure that people are doing the right thing for their job. So that customer will not be cheated by buying the wrong product. This system is build because of a small handful of people who misused the trust of their client . Because of this system , it is making my career process more complicated than the passed 10 years. 

Processes were simple in the past. Now because of this stupid system , All my manager think is to cover her backside so that she can keep her job. In the event , she makes things difficult for her agents. 

For this whole year, because of this bullshit system , I am very unhappy in my career . My company become more production driven , instead of a people business. Now is all about numbers. Managers attend training to learn what is the correct way to write our proposal and recommendation to your client . There is a protocol to follow as in how to write this proposal. It’s no Longer flexible and no longer people business .

Because of the system , a simple proposal became a complicated and intrigue proposal that confuse client and agent JUST to cover the backside of management people. The management people do not fight for us to say that this system is ridiculous, they just abide by the new rules. 

I am so sick and disgusted in this company that I wanted to quit my career . But I cannot leave all my beloved clients to all these bullshit management people hands . The so called ‘Management People’ they only think about themselves, call themselves leader . They are just a brunch of cowards who don’t fight for the rights of their staffs. 

In the past , I alway thought that my group is like a family . As years go passed, my leader become more and more self centered. The worst is he do not know that he become like that. I drifted further away from him as years goes by. 

I love my this career, I love my client . But I am powerless, I am just a small , non productive agent . 

Should I stay to fight or just run off to have my happy ending ?

Will i be happy if I leave the career I love after 10 years of building ?

Will I be happy if I continue to stay in the stupid corporation ?

This year is the year where I cried that most regarding my career . 

I do not understand the implementation of system in human life .

Human are free thinking  entity, system are meant to control the behaviour and discipline of us human . Leaving us lack of Creative and feeling powerless. I feel that we human are becoming more and more robotic , systematic , more easily controlled . 

Do we really want to live in this world where no Creative can run wild and feel controlled?
I am certainly not the one who will be control by anybody .

I just need Strength to fight for what I believe and love .

I shall end my journal here .Thanks for being a reading eyes . I really appreciate for those of you who takes times to read my journal .

Thank you , Universe for the Strength .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Blaming the World Without

Since after I scrapped my car of 9 years, i have been feeling uncertain about my future .There is an empty feeling where something is gone in my life.  I did not realised an object can have this impact in my life . 

I am writing my journal now because I need some clarification in my mind . My mind currently is a big mess ( that’s what I feel) . My mind become Super sensitive and worry a lot. Now I am worrying about my future , my parent’s health , my finances , my career etc. Since now I don’t have a car to blame for all the financial hardship . I realised that all this time while having a car , I blame my car for making me not financially stable. I put all the blame on my car . Only after scrapping it , I realised that , it is me that I should look deeply inside for all the financial hardship I had suffer in the past. 

I blamed the outer world(World Without) for my suffering , I blame my car, my parents , my career etc. Except I did not blame myself . I am not saying that if things doesn’t go our way we should blame ourselves . I am saying that , I should have look more into myself for solution and not blaming everything .

I have no reason not to be financially stable now. 

I can feel the stress building up . Last time when I have a car, I can put 101 reasons that why my finances are not stable. I will tell my friends and family that my car eat up most of my income . I give all kinds of reason just to hide the truth that I am a lazy person who do not wish to work and want to enjoy life and be rich . Who doesn’t want to enjoy life and be rich. 

I am consider a very lucky person , Universe always somehow help me when i need money . And like magic , money always come when i need it for my case. So I begin to think that most of the time worrying is a waste of time and energy .

Scrapping my car , let me see myself more clearly . Without the car , I have financial freedom . I do not need to worry about how on earth I am going to pay for my next month installment and my repair fee. I have no big financial commitment right now!!! I am a free person!!! 

I should be happy , relax and enjoying life right ? 

I recently question myself , now that I am free of commitment . What’s Next ??? I have been focusing and blaming of my car for all these 9 years. Now it’s gone !!! I feel lost ….. 

This is where My Mind starts to create useless thoughts . Last time I only need to worry about my car . Now, I worry about EVERYTHING!!!! 

I really hope this period will be over , once I get use of not having my car in my life to blame . You can call me crazy , I think I am . 


This is a lesson that I have to learn in my life . Thanks for reading my journal , I really need to write out or else I will go crazy. 

Thanks Universe for the love . 

Love & Light

Alicecbn