The Real Me

My life have been a mess since I scrapped my car . I am still trying to hold on to myself and be strong . Things have not been smooth recently especially with the finance part (eg, my online purchases on hold , or processing error holding my money in PayPal etc) . It seem like the more I hold on to my money the More I lose my money . I am not sure how come I become like that after I scrapped my car . I feel so so lousy. 

Now I am holding on to Money more tightly. I am more careful when using or spending . Things just not flowing in my financial part . By right after I had scrapped my car , my financial should be getting better . I should be in abundance . But i realised I never had a feeling of abundance after I scrapped my car . All the while I always thought that my car is the main issue of my financial failure . Now I realised that it is me all along for the cause of my financial failure . I do not feel abundance , I never feel that I will be rich. I am still the poor me with or without car . 

Scrapping my car, show me who I am truly are . My real self , the self where I detest , the self where I am running away , the lousy, poor and ugly self . The self that I don’t want to face . Universe keep knocking me in a way to show me who I am really are, the bad side of me. The side of me where I denied for many years . 

In my deepest heart , I never feel that I will live in abundance , or I deserve love or marriage  or a happy ending . I always Have negative thoughts deep down , but I always sugar coated my negative thoughts . As Usual , always Believing that I am a very positive person . Actually deep down i am a very insecure ,lack of confident negative person . I never accept the negative side of me . I always show the positive side to the outside world . 

I am not happy and scare that this side of me have surface after so many years. I am afraid , I feel like running away . But it is infront of me now , the another side of me. That’s why I say my life is in a mess now . Because I do not know what I need to do to get rid of this self that I hate to see . I am helpless , I have been helpless for a month now , since I scrapped my car. 

After writing this journal , I see more clearly now . This car lesson is here to teach me to forgive, embrace and love  ‘the not so good side’ of me . I am who I am today . If I , myself do not accept myself whole heartedly, nobody will be able to help me . I will just live in denial for the rest of my life. I will gather my strength to embrace this side of me with love.

Thanks Universe for knocking me up , pls give me Strength !!!

Thank you for reading my journal

Love & Light

Alicecbn

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