What is the Life that I want????

What is the life that I want to be in ? 

What is happiness to me ? 

A loving relationship have always been my main focus in my life . But over and over again… It screw me over and over again. I am so tired of making this my main focus and in the end … What I get are idiot and bastard man … Always disappointing me ..

 I tell myself that 2017 will be a ME year… I want to know all about myself, to discover, to groom my inner and outer self . 

I no Longer want to cling on to the stupid ideal of a loving relationship . My greatest fear is being alone and poor when I am old and ugly . Maybe this is the fear that is keeping  me in the bottom of my life . 

I want to shine brightly . 

You can say I lost hope in relationship which in actual fact , I am too afraid to admit I had fail in my relationship . 

What is successful in a relationship …. ??

A loving Husband or marriage itself … Or it is just a status of being married … And no longer single . I don’t know . 

My future is dark … Maybe I am too negative … What’s new … I have been this way for months … I am still trying to walk out of it . Little things makes me angry … I am a vey unhappy person now who try to hide the unhappiness .. 

Why am I unhappy ? 

I don’t know … Is it because I have no future , my relationship is not going anywhere and same as my career too..what going on with my life right now .. It seems off but it seem right also . It’s hard for me to explain . 

Is it my fear of the successful that I will achieve in the future .. Or I am afraid that once I am successful and happy … Bad things will come and destroy it … Is this the reason I never wanted to Really be successful and happy . I don’t know .. I am just writing what my mind is thinking right now . 
Some how Writing journal relieve me . I shall end here . Thanks for reading 


Thanks Universe 
Love & Light 
alicecbn

ME again 


Sorry I have to write about negative stuff again. I have nowhere to write only here . The feeling of my parents are burden is back. . This was the feeling before I got myself a car 10 years ago. Everything is more clearly now. I blamed things/people who cause my life to be ‘Not Good’ .

I am the one to blame . Till now , I still have not kick off the habit of blaming people after my car is gone . Now I continue to passed the blame back to my family member. What fucking person I am ..  Only now I realised that I am such a lousy person . A person who always put blame on other people except for myself . In the past , I see myself As a very good and wise person. Now I totally see another fucking side of me , who I hate and avoid at all cost. This is painful , sad and suffering . I do not know when i can forgive myself . 

I dislike the “Current” me . I want to run away from this person . 

Why the feeling is back after so many years ?!?

I really don’t know how to handle . It feels like this is never going to end . When will I get my Happy Ending ? 

The problem I have my parents now is … Since after I scrapped my car, they thought I am very rich. But in fact , I am damn bloody poor right now . They keep asking me for money. This trigger a fact in me that I don’t want to face . 

I am a fucking lazy person who do not want to work hard for my finances !!!!! 

Who do not want a life where you don’t have to work and you can enjoy all the things in life . I am this kind of person .

Now I realised what kind of person I am and I know that I am not born with a gold spoon . 

So Pls damn fucking wake up !!!!

i know the journey will be hard . I just have to work more hard to become the best version i can be. To embrace the lazy pig in me and kick the ass out of this lazy pig.

I am the one responsible for all the situation and issue I have been through my this journey. For now onward, I will take responsible for myself . I know my mind (Ego) will put nasty thoughts of other things or people to blame. I will look for a way to control my mind and my ego .

I no longer want to be control by my mind / ego .

Thanks Universe for the unfolding of who I really is and I hope for more light in my life .

Thanks for reading my negative journal . Really appreciate you .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn