ME again 


Sorry I have to write about negative stuff again. I have nowhere to write only here . The feeling of my parents are burden is back. . This was the feeling before I got myself a car 10 years ago. Everything is more clearly now. I blamed things/people who cause my life to be ‘Not Good’ .

I am the one to blame . Till now , I still have not kick off the habit of blaming people after my car is gone . Now I continue to passed the blame back to my family member. What fucking person I am ..  Only now I realised that I am such a lousy person . A person who always put blame on other people except for myself . In the past , I see myself As a very good and wise person. Now I totally see another fucking side of me , who I hate and avoid at all cost. This is painful , sad and suffering . I do not know when i can forgive myself . 

I dislike the “Current” me . I want to run away from this person . 

Why the feeling is back after so many years ?!?

I really don’t know how to handle . It feels like this is never going to end . When will I get my Happy Ending ? 

The problem I have my parents now is … Since after I scrapped my car, they thought I am very rich. But in fact , I am damn bloody poor right now . They keep asking me for money. This trigger a fact in me that I don’t want to face . 

I am a fucking lazy person who do not want to work hard for my finances !!!!! 

Who do not want a life where you don’t have to work and you can enjoy all the things in life . I am this kind of person .

Now I realised what kind of person I am and I know that I am not born with a gold spoon . 

So Pls damn fucking wake up !!!!

i know the journey will be hard . I just have to work more hard to become the best version i can be. To embrace the lazy pig in me and kick the ass out of this lazy pig.

I am the one responsible for all the situation and issue I have been through my this journey. For now onward, I will take responsible for myself . I know my mind (Ego) will put nasty thoughts of other things or people to blame. I will look for a way to control my mind and my ego .

I no longer want to be control by my mind / ego .

Thanks Universe for the unfolding of who I really is and I hope for more light in my life .

Thanks for reading my negative journal . Really appreciate you .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

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