Today Realization


I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way šŸ™šŸ» 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

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Conflicting values with your careerĀ 


Now I know why I sucks in my insurance business . I just realised that this career is conflicting to my personal life value . I have been in this career for almost 10 years, I love getting to know different people from various jobs and background . I love to hear about their story and knowledge . Over the years in my insurance line , I have make a lot of friends . Client who became close Friends with me. I enjoy my career most of the time , but the one I did not enjoy is the selling part . I never know why until today . I realised that selling insurance is a fear based industry . Sorry , I am stupid to realised it until now . 

In insurance line ,

Insurance Agent inflict fear into the client for unforeseen situation which are bad . The instant result for action is fear . When people in fear , their immediate response is to react. To react is to buy an insurance policy to protect yourself and your family in event of any critical illness, death , loss of income etc. 

I am lousy at inflicting fear into my client , damn lousy. Most of the time I feel that there is something wrong with me that I cannot sell as much insurance than my peers . The hard part is not making enough money for my day to day basis . But I still enjoy meeting with people . I love all my clients. 

My values are Love, going with the flow, living in the now , enjoying every moment in life  and everything happened for a reason.  Fear is just an ego way to control our action. But I am in a fear based career . How can I change the fear based selling to love based selling insurance ?  Since century , people have been selling insurance in fear based … 

How insurance started from my knowledge , pardon me if I am wrong . The invention of insurance is to accumulate a sum of money for the family of the decease for their daily living . A group of good Friends come out of a ideal to give money in the event of the death of their good Friend. This is love . How come it became a business and become a fear based action . Because of the commission and fear is the fastest reaction .

Should I quit my job ?? 

Now I am thinking how I can turn fear to love . 

For now I do not have an answer . I am Glad that Universe answer part of my question I ask yesterday night 

Thank you Universe for the guidence .

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Ego talking

I can say that I find it quite hard to have faith ad trust the Universe when my situation is not ‘Good’ . I am a human , if I don’t see result in the world without , I will be sad and resistance to life. 
This is a very common habit of mine . When I think back , when ever my life is hard or there is financial difficulty . I always tell myself , you have to do something about this situation. There is always something to do . But whenever I start to really do something , I do not see any result. Funny enough , my result come in when I am not trying to do something to get out of a situation I deem as bad . Is this doing , suggested by the ego? I think it is our ego talking. 

Learning to accept wherever situation is the hardest thing we have to learn and learning to not blindly follow what our ego tell us to do is even hardest. Most of the time I just somehow relate to what my mind is saying as all truth , because I THINK THAT my mind is ME . I can say that actually my situation is not those ‘bad’ kind of situation where by it is life/death or I am in extreme depression because of this. I think my situation is deem bad by the ego because it is not of value to the outer world . Example “making money” , “being successful” , “buying stuff” etc 

My ego is telling me :

“Hey , you are not successful and you make no money , I want a life with full of wealth  !!! Pls go do something about it so that I can enjoy this kind of life !!!” 

Most of the time I will just do something about it . Become more hardworking , go office more early , meet more people . For years , I see no result . I have been doing this to fulfill my ego of a rich life that my ego wanted !!! 

This is not what my soul wants . 

I just finished reading The new world by Eckhart Tolle . Awesome book ! I really love how he write in detail about the character of ego . Some of the topics are abit hard to understand . This book really bring more insight on the ego that I can relate to myself . 

I start to be more aware of the ego talking . And not trust what my mind tell me . From my own understanding of this book . Universe have a better plan for all of us , things will unfold as long as we accept the “WHAT IS” .


Now , I will continue have faith with the Universe and enjoy my life as it is .

Thanks for reading my journal 

Thanks Universe

Love & Light

Alicecbn

My Greatest Fear (Woman point of view)


Just read this insightful article regarding the fear of being alone from Renee Wade. I have been following her since I came to know about polarity in relationship, feminine and masculine energy. 

After reading this article , I realised that it is so normal that us woman have this fear in us . I always thought I am a dependent woman because I have this fear and I am ashame of it. My fear of being alone , have made me more close up , more defensive . The fear that my man might leave me in future is so unbearable for me to even think about it . To make it even worse I am still in a no status relationship for 4 years . However , I enjoy every moment with my man . But recently , I realised I become more and more emotional and I know that I am trying to sabotage my relationship so that my man will leave me asap , so as to prevent me from falling in love with him even deeper and getting more hurt if in the end he decided to leave me and marry some other woman . This fear prevent me from being vulnerable to my man . I build up a wall around him sometime when I am emotional . I have been going through an emotional roller coaster since i sold my car ( a big change in my life) . My man have been handling all my emotional abuse that I throw to him with love and patience . But I just keep giving him more . Surprisedly , he did not leave me and still adore me .  I did told him that I am sabotaging our relationship and he know that . Because of the lack of security , uncertainly and assurance in our relationship , I become a very insecure and scare woman. 

Why am I insecure and scare  ? 

The fear that he will leave me in future if our relationship have no status .

The fear that he will abandon me if he did not assure me my relationship is going somewhere .

The fear that if I open up more to him and he leave me I will die . 

The fear that he will not love me anymore , make me hopeless and helpless.

The fear that I will be come old and lonely in future .

All these voice down to the FEAR OF LONELINESS in me. 

I want to open up and love my man more deeply , but  I am very very very very very scare. The fear of him leaving me is unimaginable. I Guess after reading Renee article ; this fear is so normal , common and it will always be around no matter what . I came to a conclusion that I will just have to accept and face my fear , even if I wanted so badly to hid and run away with it . 

For now I hope that I have the courage to love my man more deeply and to give him my gift , my divine feminine energy to my masculine man . 

Thank you Universe for sending me the sign and guidence that I requested yesterday . I am glad I found the article by Renee Wada . Thanks for reading my journal. 

Her article have guided me when I need answer regarding my relationship . 

I highly recommend people to read up her blog  THE FEMININIE WOMAN

Love & Light

Alicecbn