Today Realization


I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way 🙏🏻 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

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