The Marriage Talk


I just had a “marriage talk” with my man . It took me a lot of courage for me to talk to him about this sensitive topics as it is so obvious that both of us are running away from this . 

I remember The last time that I brought up this topic was 2 years ago . It does not really end well for me , crying in a fast food restaurant and not having any definite answer as in where the relationship is heading . 

I choose to stay in the relationship. I believe that things will change . Unfortunately, everything is still the same . My man is a stubborn as an Ox. 

As we discussed , we realised that We are both running away from our fear . The fear of us not willingly to face the truth . The fear that he is avoiding this topic because he knew that the outcome will hurt me . 

He stays firm and say  “I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to have kids”

My greatest fear of facing this , to say out to me face to face from a man who I love for 5 years  “He don’t know if he want any future with me .”

I did not shed a single tear . I just ask more question like a relationship consultant. 

Probing further, I discovered that he is unsure and disconnected from his Heart. 

He don’t know where our relationship is heading 

He don’t know why he still continue to be in this relationship if he does not see any future. 

What he know that , he is happy with me now . He is happy with the current situation, he do not want any change . He is afraid of change . He do not believe that he will have a blissful life with family and kids . 

I ask him about this future . He say he will be alone . I ask him is this what you want in your life , he told me this is a consequence of his action .

I only can sense fear coming from him . The defensive and fear that he always cover himself up with the cheerful and loving face . Deep down , it is darkness and loneliness.

You all can call me stupid to believe the best of my man , I just feel that he don’t know how to love himself and follow his heart. 

I am still learning to love. My love is limiting . 5 years in a Long term relationship without any commitment is energy draining . I am tired now . I have nothing to give . I am exhausted. 

I told him , we both have issue and we both need healing of ourselves. Together, we can heal and grow together with eachother . 

The 2 years that I give him because I thought that he can handle things himself . I realised I was wrong . We never had a proper relationship talk , we just have fun whenever we are together . 

Do I regretted giving him these 2 years ?

 I say 80% No , but 20% Yes , I blamed him for being indecisive in our relationship .

 I don’t understand the grey area in a relationship. Want to be together then be together . No future and don’t want to be together , then leave . That’s so simple . Apparently it is not as simple as I think in my man ‘s point of view . 

He think too much and complicates things . 

LOVE IS SIMPLE .

Why pollute Love with so much fear. 

I am going on a 2 weeks holiday next weeks , I told him we should not contact eachother during this period and really go think about our relationship . I let him go decide whether if he want to continue to stay in the relationship and plan for our future together or just be alone and plan for his future . 

The residue of yesterday is carried over to today. I feel sucks . Crying in my bed just now, I really have no energy to continue to fight for this relationship myself . 

I am really not sure since when my happiness is so dependent on my man . I always thought that I myself have my own happiness which is not linked to my man . Once again , I was wrong and lost . 

I hope I can find my strength and my own happiness when I am back from my holiday . Fully recharge and hopeful about my future with or without him .

Thank you for reading my journal. 

Thank you Universe. 

Pls give me Strength, Courage, Love and Light to continue my journey.

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Thoughts on living with my mom who is a hoarder 


Recently my family have been throwing my mom’s things . She keep things likes , clothes , bags , books, bottles , zips , containers , newspapers and many more . Her room is surrounded by her prossessions ; bagged in plastics bags . 

We are clearing stuff for my bro wedding . Throwing away things that we keep for every Long but never use. My mom on the other hand , don’t throw things . Everything to her is useful , there will come a time when these things become useful . That’s her thinking . 

Living with my mom , made me realised that we have too many stuffs . We create a lot of waste because we get bored and lost the “feel good” feeling. We always seeking for new things to own in order to chase after our never ending unfulfilling “feel good” feeling . 

Do we really need all these stuff that we own ??

The waste accumulation have increase a lot over the decade because we can now afford a lot of things . After few months we will throw the stuff away or donate away . 

After this event with my mom, it really make me wonder how can I reduce the number of things I own or reduce the number of stuff I buy every month . I am creating a lot of waste . Bags and clothes that I brought few years back I no longer like it anymore .

I just feels that I practically have a lot of things !!!! Therefore , I have been quite consicous when I go shopping . Simplifying my life is what I am trying to learn now . Owning less things . I also realised that stuffs don’t spoil or torn so easily. Whatever we are bored off , are all in good condition . I Guess , I just focus on buying good quality bags and clothes to prevent me from buying a lot of cheap things . 

Just my random thoughts and feelings . Anyway appreciate you read my journal .

Thank you Universe 

Love & Light

Alicecbn