The Marriage Talk


I just had a “marriage talk” with my man . It took me a lot of courage for me to talk to him about this sensitive topics as it is so obvious that both of us are running away from this . 

I remember The last time that I brought up this topic was 2 years ago . It does not really end well for me , crying in a fast food restaurant and not having any definite answer as in where the relationship is heading . 

I choose to stay in the relationship. I believe that things will change . Unfortunately, everything is still the same . My man is a stubborn as an Ox. 

As we discussed , we realised that We are both running away from our fear . The fear of us not willingly to face the truth . The fear that he is avoiding this topic because he knew that the outcome will hurt me . 

He stays firm and say  “I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to have kids”

My greatest fear of facing this , to say out to me face to face from a man who I love for 5 years  “He don’t know if he want any future with me .”

I did not shed a single tear . I just ask more question like a relationship consultant. 

Probing further, I discovered that he is unsure and disconnected from his Heart. 

He don’t know where our relationship is heading 

He don’t know why he still continue to be in this relationship if he does not see any future. 

What he know that , he is happy with me now . He is happy with the current situation, he do not want any change . He is afraid of change . He do not believe that he will have a blissful life with family and kids . 

I ask him about this future . He say he will be alone . I ask him is this what you want in your life , he told me this is a consequence of his action .

I only can sense fear coming from him . The defensive and fear that he always cover himself up with the cheerful and loving face . Deep down , it is darkness and loneliness.

You all can call me stupid to believe the best of my man , I just feel that he don’t know how to love himself and follow his heart. 

I am still learning to love. My love is limiting . 5 years in a Long term relationship without any commitment is energy draining . I am tired now . I have nothing to give . I am exhausted. 

I told him , we both have issue and we both need healing of ourselves. Together, we can heal and grow together with eachother . 

The 2 years that I give him because I thought that he can handle things himself . I realised I was wrong . We never had a proper relationship talk , we just have fun whenever we are together . 

Do I regretted giving him these 2 years ?

 I say 80% No , but 20% Yes , I blamed him for being indecisive in our relationship .

 I don’t understand the grey area in a relationship. Want to be together then be together . No future and don’t want to be together , then leave . That’s so simple . Apparently it is not as simple as I think in my man ‘s point of view . 

He think too much and complicates things . 

LOVE IS SIMPLE .

Why pollute Love with so much fear. 

I am going on a 2 weeks holiday next weeks , I told him we should not contact eachother during this period and really go think about our relationship . I let him go decide whether if he want to continue to stay in the relationship and plan for our future together or just be alone and plan for his future . 

The residue of yesterday is carried over to today. I feel sucks . Crying in my bed just now, I really have no energy to continue to fight for this relationship myself . 

I am really not sure since when my happiness is so dependent on my man . I always thought that I myself have my own happiness which is not linked to my man . Once again , I was wrong and lost . 

I hope I can find my strength and my own happiness when I am back from my holiday . Fully recharge and hopeful about my future with or without him .

Thank you for reading my journal. 

Thank you Universe. 

Pls give me Strength, Courage, Love and Light to continue my journey.

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

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Thoughts on living with my mom who is a hoarder 


Recently my family have been throwing my mom’s things . She keep things likes , clothes , bags , books, bottles , zips , containers , newspapers and many more . Her room is surrounded by her prossessions ; bagged in plastics bags . 

We are clearing stuff for my bro wedding . Throwing away things that we keep for every Long but never use. My mom on the other hand , don’t throw things . Everything to her is useful , there will come a time when these things become useful . That’s her thinking . 

Living with my mom , made me realised that we have too many stuffs . We create a lot of waste because we get bored and lost the “feel good” feeling. We always seeking for new things to own in order to chase after our never ending unfulfilling “feel good” feeling . 

Do we really need all these stuff that we own ??

The waste accumulation have increase a lot over the decade because we can now afford a lot of things . After few months we will throw the stuff away or donate away . 

After this event with my mom, it really make me wonder how can I reduce the number of things I own or reduce the number of stuff I buy every month . I am creating a lot of waste . Bags and clothes that I brought few years back I no longer like it anymore .

I just feels that I practically have a lot of things !!!! Therefore , I have been quite consicous when I go shopping . Simplifying my life is what I am trying to learn now . Owning less things . I also realised that stuffs don’t spoil or torn so easily. Whatever we are bored off , are all in good condition . I Guess , I just focus on buying good quality bags and clothes to prevent me from buying a lot of cheap things . 

Just my random thoughts and feelings . Anyway appreciate you read my journal .

Thank you Universe 

Love & Light

Alicecbn

 

Just my thoughts on Retirement 


Recently I came across a few Facebook post , posting about people early retirement at around age 30 plus years old . All these people manage to save and grow their wealth to around 1 million for a period of 10 years . They quit their job after they reach their 1 million goal . 

What these people have in common:

1) they save around 75% of their income

2) they track their spending and investment diligently 

3) they invested their income 

4) they are happier with lesser things 

From what I read about , gone were the days where people scrape and save every penny , along the process they are miserable. They did not enjoy their life and they are old and rich. 

The current trend I see people enjoying the process of having lesser things in life. They spend their money wisely . While there are a lot of people out there saving around 75% of their income , they are actually enjoying a simple life . 

With the current society where we are condition to OWN MORE THINGS TO FEEL GOOD . I just feel that this is really not the way. Owning more things , will only strengthen our ego self. The list is never ending . We will forever be feeding our ego self and never be happy .

These young self made millionaires actually own less things and they are happy . I am impressed that they manage to retire at such a young age and it keeps me thinking about my own retirement. 

What does retirement mean to me ? 

Retirement mean :

1) I do not have to work anymore 

2) no need to worry about expenses for the rest of your life 

3) passive income from rental , investment , business etc 

I got confuse with retirement and having a career that I like to do. I am still confused now . As I am trying to figure out 

Passion in career vs retirement 

Does it mean if I love my job , there is no point for me to retire ? 

Why do people want to retire ?

1) they hate their job

2) old and lack of energy 

3) unhappy 

4) do the things they love 

5) having more time 

Or maybe I should ask myself this :

If today I were to have one million in my account . How would my life be like ?

Last time I would say , I would buy house , invest etc .

But now ,

I would say , life is as per Normal to me .

 (I think ….. Wahahahhaa. It might be different case if I really own a million )

Currently , I don’t hate my career, i like meeting with people , I like my job flexible working  hours and I enjoy 70% of my career . Provided I don’t have the stress to achieve target set by the company . 

I just told my Friend I am practically a semi – retired person 😂 . 

Maybe the only thing I don’t like about my career is the unstable income . Hard work pay off . I am a lazy person . So I still need my income for my expenses . When there is a need for income , we can’t really retire. 

I still quite confused about this , I Guess I have to research and search deeper within myself . I shall let Universe guide me along .

Thank you Universe .

Thank you for reading my journal 

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Lack of Discipline 

I have to admit that I hate discipline . I lack of discipline and that is my weakness and killer . Whenever discipline comes into my mind , it translate to hard work , boring , obscuring the flow , not loving , no freedom . I linked discipline with negative thought and emotion . This is why I hated being discipline by other or myself. I don’t like routine , I think it is boring. Discipline = routine . But I never run away from discipline in my life . The more I run away from it the more it come back to my face .
Without discipline , I can say that I am a damn lazy person . I have goals and dreams but I don’t know where to start because I don’t Don’t like being discipline . Buy after reading an article saying actually lazy is a trick of the ego . I have realised that I am being control by my ego most of the time . I thought that I am aware of my ego . In actual fact I am not . 

I have a very bad habit , whenever my business starts to pick up , I will revert back to the lazy me and my mind will tell me : “You have enough for this month , you can relax !! ” I would be so lazy to fix my appointment for the whole week or 2 weeks . I relax .. But deep down , I know that this is not what I want . It is a cycle . Without self discipline , I will never get out of this cycle and I will never achieve my goals and dreams. 

My life have been quite stagnant for more than a decade since I started working. It seem like nothing change much . 

All the while I thought that there is no discipline in my life . But I realised that there are some discipline that I incorporate myself . I started to swim Every week , controlling my diet and food intake , drinking warm water first thing in the morning when I wake up , discipline how I spend my money and keeping track of my money . 

ALL THESE ARE SELF DISCIPLINE !!!!!!

Unknowningly , I have been disciplining my life . I cannot give in to my lazy ego . I cannot fear discipline . This is one of the value that I want to build for myself , being self discipline . Although last time when every my mind say “discipline” I tend to ignore it . This time round I will view it as a positive value that I need to learn in my life . 

Thanks for reading my journal , really appreciate 🙂

Thank you Universe !!!

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

Have Faith in the Universe

Sorry that I have not been writing much this month as I have too much things to do for the past few weeks. 

What I have done the past few weeks are all new things I never thought that I would do . I started networking to meet up with new people and going for talk about health and food . I have been opening myself with new things that I do not dare to try in the past. I really have fun and I enjoy all these meeting with new people and new knowledge that I have gained . 

I started to believe in Universe and have faith with the flow of my life path. I believe that Universe have bigger and better plan for me. I surrender myself to the Universe (*** saying is easily than done *** ) I still do struggle to try not to control my life too much . That’s the fight between the ego and the soul . It is more distinctive now . Now, I can feel when is it my ego talking . It is like practically there is another different person in me . 

I can say that I am happy now 😃

This year will be a ME YEAR . My emo stage is over . For those of you who have read my journal for the past few months will know that I am in a mess since I sold my car . I am so glad that I walk out of it already . 

I still do not have money in my bank account . But I am happy with where I am now . 

Things are picking up as I learn to have more confident and faith in the Universe . I did see a few miracles that is from the work of the hands of the Universe . It’s a Awe moment. 

I have learn to flow with the Universe and most of the time it is quite fun and effortlessly . I just let things come to me . I am still trying to figure the surrendering part to the Universe . What I realised is that I still have to do my part . I have to ask . The result will come either way . It might not be my way , certainly it will come another way .  Just have faith . 

I still do have fear in me , I am still a human not a Saint . But I am aware of my fear . Whenever I aware of my fear . 

I will say the following quote :

“Thank you Universe , I am aware of my fear . I choose to see love .” 

The light will shine into the darkness . 

When you are in doubt just say the above quote to yourself to shine the light .

I shall end my journal here . Thank you for making time to read my journal .

Thank you Universe for your Love . I love you too 😘

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

dreaming of an old woman 


I had a dream many many years back … I think around 7 years back . 

I dreamed of an old woman who is waiting for a cab . While we were waiting , she talk to me . Below are the convesation .

Old woman : What job are you working as ?

Me : I am a Insurance Agent 

Old woman : Good ….. You will help a lot of people .

Then my cab came and I hop onto the cab and no knowing where to go .. 

Then I woke up .

I hold this dream close to me just like The boy in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho . 

Most of the time , I am lost … Just like in my dream , where my cab is heading to nowhere . I am still lost now . But somehow universe have guided me this far with signs and synchronicity that I am on my right path. 

I believe in dream is the language of our higher self trying to communicate with us . Because a lot of people do not know how to decipher a dream that why they thought that dream are just dream as it is . 

I only just realised that maybe I am on my way to fulfilling my destiny just like THE BOY  . Anyone who had read The Alchemist will know that the boy set on a journey of finding a treasure because of the dream he had ..  His total faith in his dream is what makes him found his treasure (wealth) and the love of his life  (love) . 

I read The Alchemist a lot of time . Everytime there is new way of thinking on me . 

I am still thinking what the old woman meant by I will help a lot of people ? 

By selling insurance ?

By helping the people around me who I have touch their life .. Like my friends , clients , colleagues ?

Or maybe both .

I am still not sure . My Destiny is still a blur picture . I don’t know where I am going , I don’t known what or how  I need to do . I am still learning .

HAVE FAITH is the only thing I tell myself now . 

I shall end my journal here . 

Thank you Universe for having faith in me . Thank you people who spend you precious time reading my journal .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Today Realization


I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way 🙏🏻 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light

Alicecbn