The Marriage Talk


I just had a “marriage talk” with my man . It took me a lot of courage for me to talk to him about this sensitive topics as it is so obvious that both of us are running away from this . 

I remember The last time that I brought up this topic was 2 years ago . It does not really end well for me , crying in a fast food restaurant and not having any definite answer as in where the relationship is heading . 

I choose to stay in the relationship. I believe that things will change . Unfortunately, everything is still the same . My man is a stubborn as an Ox. 

As we discussed , we realised that We are both running away from our fear . The fear of us not willingly to face the truth . The fear that he is avoiding this topic because he knew that the outcome will hurt me . 

He stays firm and say  “I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to have kids”

My greatest fear of facing this , to say out to me face to face from a man who I love for 5 years  “He don’t know if he want any future with me .”

I did not shed a single tear . I just ask more question like a relationship consultant. 

Probing further, I discovered that he is unsure and disconnected from his Heart. 

He don’t know where our relationship is heading 

He don’t know why he still continue to be in this relationship if he does not see any future. 

What he know that , he is happy with me now . He is happy with the current situation, he do not want any change . He is afraid of change . He do not believe that he will have a blissful life with family and kids . 

I ask him about this future . He say he will be alone . I ask him is this what you want in your life , he told me this is a consequence of his action .

I only can sense fear coming from him . The defensive and fear that he always cover himself up with the cheerful and loving face . Deep down , it is darkness and loneliness.

You all can call me stupid to believe the best of my man , I just feel that he don’t know how to love himself and follow his heart. 

I am still learning to love. My love is limiting . 5 years in a Long term relationship without any commitment is energy draining . I am tired now . I have nothing to give . I am exhausted. 

I told him , we both have issue and we both need healing of ourselves. Together, we can heal and grow together with eachother . 

The 2 years that I give him because I thought that he can handle things himself . I realised I was wrong . We never had a proper relationship talk , we just have fun whenever we are together . 

Do I regretted giving him these 2 years ?

 I say 80% No , but 20% Yes , I blamed him for being indecisive in our relationship .

 I don’t understand the grey area in a relationship. Want to be together then be together . No future and don’t want to be together , then leave . That’s so simple . Apparently it is not as simple as I think in my man ‘s point of view . 

He think too much and complicates things . 

LOVE IS SIMPLE .

Why pollute Love with so much fear. 

I am going on a 2 weeks holiday next weeks , I told him we should not contact eachother during this period and really go think about our relationship . I let him go decide whether if he want to continue to stay in the relationship and plan for our future together or just be alone and plan for his future . 

The residue of yesterday is carried over to today. I feel sucks . Crying in my bed just now, I really have no energy to continue to fight for this relationship myself . 

I am really not sure since when my happiness is so dependent on my man . I always thought that I myself have my own happiness which is not linked to my man . Once again , I was wrong and lost . 

I hope I can find my strength and my own happiness when I am back from my holiday . Fully recharge and hopeful about my future with or without him .

Thank you for reading my journal. 

Thank you Universe. 

Pls give me Strength, Courage, Love and Light to continue my journey.

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Advertisements

Today Realization


I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way 🙏🏻 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

My Greatest Fear (Woman point of view)


Just read this insightful article regarding the fear of being alone from Renee Wade. I have been following her since I came to know about polarity in relationship, feminine and masculine energy. 

After reading this article , I realised that it is so normal that us woman have this fear in us . I always thought I am a dependent woman because I have this fear and I am ashame of it. My fear of being alone , have made me more close up , more defensive . The fear that my man might leave me in future is so unbearable for me to even think about it . To make it even worse I am still in a no status relationship for 4 years . However , I enjoy every moment with my man . But recently , I realised I become more and more emotional and I know that I am trying to sabotage my relationship so that my man will leave me asap , so as to prevent me from falling in love with him even deeper and getting more hurt if in the end he decided to leave me and marry some other woman . This fear prevent me from being vulnerable to my man . I build up a wall around him sometime when I am emotional . I have been going through an emotional roller coaster since i sold my car ( a big change in my life) . My man have been handling all my emotional abuse that I throw to him with love and patience . But I just keep giving him more . Surprisedly , he did not leave me and still adore me .  I did told him that I am sabotaging our relationship and he know that . Because of the lack of security , uncertainly and assurance in our relationship , I become a very insecure and scare woman. 

Why am I insecure and scare  ? 

The fear that he will leave me in future if our relationship have no status .

The fear that he will abandon me if he did not assure me my relationship is going somewhere .

The fear that if I open up more to him and he leave me I will die . 

The fear that he will not love me anymore , make me hopeless and helpless.

The fear that I will be come old and lonely in future .

All these voice down to the FEAR OF LONELINESS in me. 

I want to open up and love my man more deeply , but  I am very very very very very scare. The fear of him leaving me is unimaginable. I Guess after reading Renee article ; this fear is so normal , common and it will always be around no matter what . I came to a conclusion that I will just have to accept and face my fear , even if I wanted so badly to hid and run away with it . 

For now I hope that I have the courage to love my man more deeply and to give him my gift , my divine feminine energy to my masculine man . 

Thank you Universe for sending me the sign and guidence that I requested yesterday . I am glad I found the article by Renee Wada . Thanks for reading my journal. 

Her article have guided me when I need answer regarding my relationship . 

I highly recommend people to read up her blog  THE FEMININIE WOMAN

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Year 2017 ” A ME Year “

2016 is coming to an end soon. Recently I have decided to make Year 2017 “A ME Year

What is a ME Year ?

To me, ME Year is a year where I focus and invest on myself . I have spend so much of my life chasing after one relationship to another relationship. This time round , I want to spend the time and energy on MYSELF. I want to give myself a chance where I do not need to focus on other people especially on relationship. 

My weakness have always been my love relationship . Each of my relationship last me around 2-4 years . 

How many more years do I have to invest on a man  ?

Am I disappointed for all the fruitless relationship ? Yes I am ….. But I have learn a lot from all my past relationships .

 In fact , I just realised only recently that I did not learn the most important lesson from these relationships:

TO LOVE MYSELF ❤️

It’s not to say that I do not love myself . Let’s just say that , subconsciously 70% of the things that I do, might be because I want to be in a fruitful relationship (meaning , I just want to get married off) or I just want my man to know my worth and my attraction. 

My main intention and focus is My Man , My relationship 

Now I am shifting the intention to “ME” . A year where is all about “ME”. A year where I cultivate my inner and outer self . A year where I get to know all about myself all over again. A year where I make Friend and understand myself . 

A year where I love myself unconditionally. 

Most of our life , we have spend so much time seeking approval and validation from others.  Spending our time to get to know , understand and love OTHER people , except OURSELVES.

How come we never do that to ourselves?

All we did to OURSELVES was to :

blame , compare , guilt , hurt , scold , despise and etc 

The most important person is “ME” . 

 I am not saying to be a narcissist . From my understanding narcissist is obsess with themselves and this is not loving yourself and this is not LOVE.  

I am still learning to love myself more . I will write more about my experience and process along the way of loving myself . 


I hope everyone will love themselves more in year 2017 . Be bless , good health and happy. 

Thanks for reading my journal . 

Thanks Universe for all the signs that you have given me .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn


The Right One 

Whenever people around me is getting married , I will always curiously ask them a question 

” How you know that he/she is the right one ? “

For years , I never came across any answer that really leave an impression on my mind on what is really the right one . Until these recent years since 2012 when I broke up with my emotional abused ex Boyfriend and go into a new relationship with my current unexpected loving awesome man . I realised that there is really a huge different on who you are in a relationship with . The energy of the person will influence you to become either a better or worse person . 

What I realised is that when we are in a “Not So Good” relationship , we tend to blind or deceive ourselves that we are in a good relationship. But our family and friends who love us will see the change in us . These people see more clearly as in are we becoming a best version of ourselves or worse version of ourselves. 

Some of my Friends or family members will say , I think you have changed . I remembered I once hear this in the past , but I just ignore what people say to me. Cos I THOUGHT that I am doing fine. In actual fact , I am not . Only when I truly walked out of my abusive relationship then I realised I am in such a shitty state . I have written my Emotional Abuse Relationship HERE

For me , I feel that The Right One might not be the one you will married . Because sometime there is no fate and there are still existing Karma which the person need to cleared in the lifetime. Two person who love each other due to certain reason can’t be together. 

 The Right One will make you want to become a best version of yourself without even requesting any changes from you. There is this automatic feeling that I want to be a better person. 

I want to be the best version of myself in my this lifetime .

This person will make you shine from within . This person will make you become a better person effortlessly.

I am not sure do you all came across any relationship where you or your Other half wanted to change some of your habits, appearance or character because they don’t like. Because they want you to become the person they want. They will find all sorts of ways just to change you . I feel that this kind of person is selfish . But including me , I also have this thought sometimes. But I am quite conscious of my thoughts now , so normally I will just let this thought passed by . Don’t Trust your mind !!! ( I will talk more about The Mind next time) or you can click HERE for a little story I created about our mind 

I do realised that I have change a lot after my breakup (after 2012) and my family members and friends did say I look better now and they can see that my career , finance and life are better now. The most big change is my temper are milder now. I am calmer now. Most importantly , I am happier now !!!! Because when I was in the previous relationship , all I handle was my ex anger , every week I have to handle his anger issue . This is depleting and tiring . 

I am so glad I walked out of my previous relationship issue , but I am still on my journey of inner healing and discovery. 

I hope you found your “Right One” . The person who will make you become the best version of yourself .


Thanks for reading my journal 😘 have a good weekend !!!!

Thanks universe for the love 

Love & Light

Alicecbn


I never feel proud of my Mom 

I think a lot of people will be like “huh” when they saw the title. So disrespectful or disgraceful and unappreciate , that’s what their thoughts will be .

But I love my mom , she is really an awesome Mother who gave us a lot of freedom since young . 

Why am I writing a journal today ? 

I realised that whenever my mom make a mistake or do something that I think it is stupid to me . Everytime I would overreact. That’s when I realised that I do have Mommy issue since childhood. But I never realised until today I make a big fuss and nag at her for damaging the washing machine for the second time during the 3 years period for over loading. 

I also do not know why when it comes to my Mom I always overreact toward her. Maybe this is a deep healing issue within me that I always conceal it . I hope writing will let me understand more of my inner self . So I decided to write today. 

I always feel very bad after using harsh word on her. 

Whenever I tell my mind : ” Today I am going to treat my Mom well ”

Funny enough , things always happened and I always lose my temper on her .

It’s like a cycle and it is never ending . I realised this is a hidden inner self issue that I was not known of .

Until today , I really ask myself this :

” Why do I always over react whenever it is things that concern of my Mom ? ”

I looked back at my childhood life of me and my mom . 

I know I am very bad for saying this . Since young , I never feel proud of my Mom and actually I do feel ashame whenever I am out with her when I was in primary school, my teenage years.

Because all my friend’s Mom are so young and beautiful , Only my mom who look older because she married late and had me at age 35. But during that era , most people married young . And most children have young parents. 

When I was young , I always ask myself “Why my mom is so old?”

I think because of my this childhood wound that have been concealing since forever , until today I dig deeper myself. 

Some of the spiritual teacher say , the first step to spiritual journey is to heal ourselves first. And in order to heal ourselves, as a woman to heal our feminine side, we need to heal past issue we had with our Mom. I am not sure why the teacher say that . 

For that moment I was thinking “hmmm , I don’t have any issue with my mom”

Until today , I realised I do have deep issue within me regarding my Mom that I still hold on to which might be the cause of multiple failure of my relationship . 

Maybe deep down I was so afraid that I will married late and have kids late ( I am already in the path ) . And I will walk down the path same as my mom . My kids will dislike me because I am an old Mom .

I should love and accept my Mom full heartedly in order to heal myself fully . I also don’t know what I should do . I love her but I can’t control my reaction .

I just have to learn not to react when things happen . Because most of the time the result of our reaction aftermath is mostly regrets. 

For now , I can only say sorry to her soul in my heart. 


Ending my journal here, I hope universe will guide me through this Mommy issue thingy .

Thanks for reading !!! 

Thanks Universe for creating events to let me see myself deeper .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Am I still a doormat girl ?


I have been a doormat girl in all my past relationship . In the beginning is the man who fall for me first , and most of the time I don’t really thought about them as my Boyfriend material . But when I fall in love , I fall really hard . Always at the end of all my past relationships I am always badly wounded in my heart. 

What lesson I have not learn ? What skill and character or confidence I have not build within my self these few years ? 

I keep asking myself these few weeks. 

Just saw a Post on Facebook by a Friend . Her BF have to request her to cook him something he want to eat .

This lead me to think

 “How come I have to ask my man what he want to eat  and I will cook for him ?” 

“Am I a pleaser ?” 

“What my value in this relationship ?”

If anywho who read my journal before know that I am in a no status relationship . 

I know I am stupid and most woman would have leave this man if she is in a no status relationship for almost 4 years. 

I know there is something in me that I am lack of , insecure , incomplete . Or I just don’t trust myself or the universe that I deserve someone better .

Maybe these are all the scars that have been left from all the past relationships. I am trying my best to heal myself and be a better person .

I want to walk out from the shadow from my past relationship . I just need me to be stronger and braver . 

I am still in my journey to self discovery . To understand myself more and to love myself . I know I still have those shadow from the past which is brought to My current relationship. Making me don’t trust myself that I can find my true love . 

I do not fear that my man leave me for someone . Actually I also don’t know what I am fear about . Maybe I am fear of being alone . This is deep within me that I have to handle myself. 

Am I still a pleaser in my this relationship ? 

Maybe only 20% . My man please me most of the time , and I always feel bless and grateful . It’s this no status relationship thingy which is haunting and polluting my mind . Because of this , I Judge my man . I do not see him as who he is ( The true him ) . I judge him base on the decision that he made . 

Whenever we judge someone , we are not feeling from the heart . When we judge, we are controlled by our mind . When we judge , we don’t respect people decision and perspective . 

When we judge , we don’t Love .

Judging have become an imprint habit for most of the people . It’s very hard to unlearn this trait which is deeply rooted and everyone is doing it . 

Only our heart (aka soul) tell the truth , I have been a believer of following my heart. My soul tell me that my man is an awesome man and that is the reason my soul never leave him . She is always on his side ( his true soul aka the being ) 

We are controlled by our mind all our life . The mind don’t like to be hurt , it is very protective and defensive . But true Love needs to be vulnerable. I know it hurt but I believe that someday Love will lead me to my rainbow .

Thanks for reading my journal . Writing journal really benefit me a lot . I feel that writing makes me use my heart and I can control my mind and sort out my thinking clearly . 

Really appreciate , Love you ❤️

Thank you Universe for the Love and the guidance. You are the best !!! Love You ❤️

Love & Light 

Alicecbn