IGNORE , when people say you are FAT

Sometime , when Friends and family member say I’m fat or why Im meaty . I will take their bullshit remarks as real because they are close to me . I will think the whole day to myself , saying to myself in the mirror , “Am I really Fat ?”

What I see in the mirror is an average weight woman , who don’t have the legs and abs of a model . Who is not as skinner as a model .

Hello, I am a 1.55cm , 48kg … under the weight standard I am under the healthy weight range . I myself always call “FAT” BY PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME !!

what a shallow world it is . Imagine people who are really over weight , how would they feel . Even for me , it is hurting and I will take their stupid comments as real and THINK THAT I AM REALLY FAT .

I realised that my Brother and my Cousins who call me fat , ALL THEIR WIVES ARE SKINNER AS A MODEL !!

THEY USE THEIR WIFE AS A STANDARD MEASUREMENT !!

People use model or people close to them as a standard gauge .

This is Ridicules !! It is so not true!!

Quoted from theguardian.com

For now, there’s a lot to work on. As Lawrence said: ‘We’ve gotten so used to underweight that when you are a normal weight it’s like, “Oh, my God, she’s curvy.” Which is crazy.’

It’s only when I’m aware , I will catch their bullshit remarks . But most of the time my ego will take it as real . Be aware of what your ego persist as real .

I’m am an average weight woman who also encounter this kind of bully . I urge woman to ignore what those bullies really say . They just want your attention and to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself .

This is what the ego loves . To make themselves feel good , they put people down .

This world is control by egos . Only awareness , you will lead a more truthful life .

Just always think deeper when someone passes a remarks which might not be true .

I shall end my journal here .Thank you for reading

Love & Light

Alicecbn

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I’m back !!!

Hi All , I really miss you all !!! Wahahahahaha …

Sorry for not writing my journal for such a Long time since May 2017 . Well , my man went into his cave and I have more me time . Reading back the posts I wrote in the past , I can’t help but to smile at the journal while reading .

I remember I say 2017 will be a ME year where I focus more on myself .

I can proudly say “I DID IT!!!” 😊

I went to took some of my insurance exam to refocus on my insurance career end of 2017 . Refocus back to myself instead of my love relationship .

After when I came back from my 2 weeks holidays in Australia last year, my man still did not have any definite answer on what direction he want for our relationship.

By the way he avoided me for a Month before we reconnect again .

What can I say I just love him for who he is 😂

Yes , We are still together !!!

I feel that we have evolved to a next level of relationship for the past 10 months . I opened up myself completely to him , and I have never felt so relieved in a relationship

In the past whenever my man go into the cave , I would have been in a emotional roller coaster . This is self sabotage.

Now , I just focus on myself and do happy stuff when he when into the cave .

After reading back my journal , I realised my life is much peaceful now .

I realised I have GROW SO MUCH when I FOCUS back on myself .

Loving myself and building confidence

My life is less drama now .

I Guess LOVING MYSELF is one of my core life lesson.

I am still learning to love myself and I am bless and glad that I am in stage of my life where I can see the changes in me when I first start writing my journal in 2015.

So happy that I write this post today .

I really appreciate you for spending your time to read my journal

Thank you very much

Thank you Universe for the guidance. May my light shines and make this world a little better place .🙏🏻

Love & Light

Alicecbn

(Photo taken by Me when I am in Harbin this year 2018)

Just my thoughts on Retirement 


Recently I came across a few Facebook post , posting about people early retirement at around age 30 plus years old . All these people manage to save and grow their wealth to around 1 million for a period of 10 years . They quit their job after they reach their 1 million goal . 

What these people have in common:

1) they save around 75% of their income

2) they track their spending and investment diligently 

3) they invested their income 

4) they are happier with lesser things 

From what I read about , gone were the days where people scrape and save every penny , along the process they are miserable. They did not enjoy their life and they are old and rich. 

The current trend I see people enjoying the process of having lesser things in life. They spend their money wisely . While there are a lot of people out there saving around 75% of their income , they are actually enjoying a simple life . 

With the current society where we are condition to OWN MORE THINGS TO FEEL GOOD . I just feel that this is really not the way. Owning more things , will only strengthen our ego self. The list is never ending . We will forever be feeding our ego self and never be happy .

These young self made millionaires actually own less things and they are happy . I am impressed that they manage to retire at such a young age and it keeps me thinking about my own retirement. 

What does retirement mean to me ? 

Retirement mean :

1) I do not have to work anymore 

2) no need to worry about expenses for the rest of your life 

3) passive income from rental , investment , business etc 

I got confuse with retirement and having a career that I like to do. I am still confused now . As I am trying to figure out 

Passion in career vs retirement 

Does it mean if I love my job , there is no point for me to retire ? 

Why do people want to retire ?

1) they hate their job

2) old and lack of energy 

3) unhappy 

4) do the things they love 

5) having more time 

Or maybe I should ask myself this :

If today I were to have one million in my account . How would my life be like ?

Last time I would say , I would buy house , invest etc .

But now ,

I would say , life is as per Normal to me .

 (I think ….. Wahahahhaa. It might be different case if I really own a million )

Currently , I don’t hate my career, i like meeting with people , I like my job flexible working  hours and I enjoy 70% of my career . Provided I don’t have the stress to achieve target set by the company . 

I just told my Friend I am practically a semi – retired person 😂 . 

Maybe the only thing I don’t like about my career is the unstable income . Hard work pay off . I am a lazy person . So I still need my income for my expenses . When there is a need for income , we can’t really retire. 

I still quite confused about this , I Guess I have to research and search deeper within myself . I shall let Universe guide me along .

Thank you Universe .

Thank you for reading my journal 

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Lack of Discipline 

I have to admit that I hate discipline . I lack of discipline and that is my weakness and killer . Whenever discipline comes into my mind , it translate to hard work , boring , obscuring the flow , not loving , no freedom . I linked discipline with negative thought and emotion . This is why I hated being discipline by other or myself. I don’t like routine , I think it is boring. Discipline = routine . But I never run away from discipline in my life . The more I run away from it the more it come back to my face .
Without discipline , I can say that I am a damn lazy person . I have goals and dreams but I don’t know where to start because I don’t Don’t like being discipline . Buy after reading an article saying actually lazy is a trick of the ego . I have realised that I am being control by my ego most of the time . I thought that I am aware of my ego . In actual fact I am not . 

I have a very bad habit , whenever my business starts to pick up , I will revert back to the lazy me and my mind will tell me : “You have enough for this month , you can relax !! ” I would be so lazy to fix my appointment for the whole week or 2 weeks . I relax .. But deep down , I know that this is not what I want . It is a cycle . Without self discipline , I will never get out of this cycle and I will never achieve my goals and dreams. 

My life have been quite stagnant for more than a decade since I started working. It seem like nothing change much . 

All the while I thought that there is no discipline in my life . But I realised that there are some discipline that I incorporate myself . I started to swim Every week , controlling my diet and food intake , drinking warm water first thing in the morning when I wake up , discipline how I spend my money and keeping track of my money . 

ALL THESE ARE SELF DISCIPLINE !!!!!!

Unknowningly , I have been disciplining my life . I cannot give in to my lazy ego . I cannot fear discipline . This is one of the value that I want to build for myself , being self discipline . Although last time when every my mind say “discipline” I tend to ignore it . This time round I will view it as a positive value that I need to learn in my life . 

Thanks for reading my journal , really appreciate 🙂

Thank you Universe !!!

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

Have Faith in the Universe

Sorry that I have not been writing much this month as I have too much things to do for the past few weeks. 

What I have done the past few weeks are all new things I never thought that I would do . I started networking to meet up with new people and going for talk about health and food . I have been opening myself with new things that I do not dare to try in the past. I really have fun and I enjoy all these meeting with new people and new knowledge that I have gained . 

I started to believe in Universe and have faith with the flow of my life path. I believe that Universe have bigger and better plan for me. I surrender myself to the Universe (*** saying is easily than done *** ) I still do struggle to try not to control my life too much . That’s the fight between the ego and the soul . It is more distinctive now . Now, I can feel when is it my ego talking . It is like practically there is another different person in me . 

I can say that I am happy now 😃

This year will be a ME YEAR . My emo stage is over . For those of you who have read my journal for the past few months will know that I am in a mess since I sold my car . I am so glad that I walk out of it already . 

I still do not have money in my bank account . But I am happy with where I am now . 

Things are picking up as I learn to have more confident and faith in the Universe . I did see a few miracles that is from the work of the hands of the Universe . It’s a Awe moment. 

I have learn to flow with the Universe and most of the time it is quite fun and effortlessly . I just let things come to me . I am still trying to figure the surrendering part to the Universe . What I realised is that I still have to do my part . I have to ask . The result will come either way . It might not be my way , certainly it will come another way .  Just have faith . 

I still do have fear in me , I am still a human not a Saint . But I am aware of my fear . Whenever I aware of my fear . 

I will say the following quote :

“Thank you Universe , I am aware of my fear . I choose to see love .” 

The light will shine into the darkness . 

When you are in doubt just say the above quote to yourself to shine the light .

I shall end my journal here . Thank you for making time to read my journal .

Thank you Universe for your Love . I love you too 😘

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

dreaming of an old woman 


I had a dream many many years back … I think around 7 years back . 

I dreamed of an old woman who is waiting for a cab . While we were waiting , she talk to me . Below are the convesation .

Old woman : What job are you working as ?

Me : I am a Insurance Agent 

Old woman : Good ….. You will help a lot of people .

Then my cab came and I hop onto the cab and no knowing where to go .. 

Then I woke up .

I hold this dream close to me just like The boy in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho . 

Most of the time , I am lost … Just like in my dream , where my cab is heading to nowhere . I am still lost now . But somehow universe have guided me this far with signs and synchronicity that I am on my right path. 

I believe in dream is the language of our higher self trying to communicate with us . Because a lot of people do not know how to decipher a dream that why they thought that dream are just dream as it is . 

I only just realised that maybe I am on my way to fulfilling my destiny just like THE BOY  . Anyone who had read The Alchemist will know that the boy set on a journey of finding a treasure because of the dream he had ..  His total faith in his dream is what makes him found his treasure (wealth) and the love of his life  (love) . 

I read The Alchemist a lot of time . Everytime there is new way of thinking on me . 

I am still thinking what the old woman meant by I will help a lot of people ? 

By selling insurance ?

By helping the people around me who I have touch their life .. Like my friends , clients , colleagues ?

Or maybe both .

I am still not sure . My Destiny is still a blur picture . I don’t know where I am going , I don’t known what or how  I need to do . I am still learning .

HAVE FAITH is the only thing I tell myself now . 

I shall end my journal here . 

Thank you Universe for having faith in me . Thank you people who spend you precious time reading my journal .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Today Realization


I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way 🙏🏻 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light

Alicecbn