dreaming of an old womanĀ 

I had a dream many many years back … I think around 7 years back . 

I dreamed of an old woman who is waiting for a cab . While we were waiting , she talk to me . Below are the convesation .

Old woman : What job are you working as ?

Me : I am a Insurance Agent 

Old woman : Good ….. You will help a lot of people .

Then my cab came and I hop onto the cab and no knowing where to go .. 

Then I woke up .

I hold this dream close to me just like The boy in The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho . 

Most of the time , I am lost … Just like in my dream , where my cab is heading to nowhere . I am still lost now . But somehow universe have guided me this far with signs and synchronicity that I am on my right path. 

I believe in dream is the language of our higher self trying to communicate with us . Because a lot of people do not know how to decipher a dream that why they thought that dream are just dream as it is . 

I only just realised that maybe I am on my way to fulfilling my destiny just like THE BOY  . Anyone who had read The Alchemist will know that the boy set on a journey of finding a treasure because of the dream he had ..  His total faith in his dream is what makes him found his treasure (wealth) and the love of his life  (love) . 

I read The Alchemist a lot of time . Everytime there is new way of thinking on me . 

I am still thinking what the old woman meant by I will help a lot of people ? 

By selling insurance ?

By helping the people around me who I have touch their life .. Like my friends , clients , colleagues ?

Or maybe both .

I am still not sure . My Destiny is still a blur picture . I don’t know where I am going , I don’t known what or how  I need to do . I am still learning .

HAVE FAITH is the only thing I tell myself now . 

I shall end my journal here . 

Thank you Universe for having faith in me . Thank you people who spend you precious time reading my journal .

Love & Light 



Today Realization

I am still thinking whether I should write this journal online …. Guess I shall write because this online journal document my every thoughts and feeling . I can see myself more clearly when I read back in future .

Who don’t love money , I love money but I do not want to work hard for it . I have to admit that money do bring us something in life. I am someone who do not want to compromise my current freedom because of money . I know in My heart if I start to focus on money , my lifestyle will change a lot. I am still not sure am I willingly to give up all these freedom in order to pursuit money . 

My abusive ex bf is getting married with a woman who have a better career and makes a lot more money than I am . They have been together for 4 years. Same as the length I am together with him. Marriage never strike him when I am together with him during the 4 years. Not sure why during that time both of us are very poor and lack of motivation to work. When he is with this woman , his career pick up, he have more money . It is interesting that people marry because of financial stability , maybe not because of love . Maybe because it’s time . 

I come to realised that people really need money to feel secure . I can get by myself with the amount of money I earn now. I can travel every twice a year , and spend on things I like using my own money. I don’t earn as much but I am quite happy with my life . Although I do complain sometime. The thing is I don’t earn as much as my current Boyfriend . I earn far less than he is . I always have the feeling that he do not want to move the relationship forward because of my attitude towards my career and earning power . Maybe I am not as HARDWORKING . Actually I still don’t understand why people judge someone who is NOT HARDWORKING and don’t earn much money as a LAZY PERSON ?!?!?!?!?! Most of the time I am quite depressed with the judgement of the world with material stuff . 

Normally I do not care about how people judge me . But when close family members and my Boyfriend judged me . I will start to think, maybe I should earn a lot of money so that they will think that I am hardworking . 

I am caught between these dilemma .

Should I start to be hardworking and make more money just because I want to prove to them I AM NOT A LAZY PERSON ?!???!!

I resist the thought of working hard and making more money because I don’t think that I am a lazy person and I have nothing to prove to them . I don’t like to prove to anybody except for myself . This is why I hold this thinking for years. 

I also have a thinking that if a man will not marry me when I have nothing . Why would I want to marry this man when I have everything ? There is a saying you go through thick and thin with the person you love . I don’t believe that love is build on money for security . I don’t believe that a woman who have money will give a man more security that this woman can handle herself . I just feel that if man look for woman who has money so that she do not have to depend on this man . I really feel that this man is a coward and a weakling. He can’t even provide and protect the woman he love. 

I am not saying that I want to totally depend on my man for all my living expenses . I am just saying , I can support myself . I just don’t feel that being judge for not earning more money is such a critical issue in my relationship .

Or it is because my Boyfriend view me as a lazy person that is why I am not suitable to be his Wife . We did discussed this topic before , he also have no answer for it .

After much ponder , I think I shall stop resisting and just accept the facts about this world and work my ass off to make a lot of money . Anyway , it does not hurt having more money also . Why bother to stubbornly stick to a thinking just because I do not want to prove to people anything !!! 

I am fearful of the future . I am fearful of the commitment I have to make. I am fearful for the freedom that I will lost . I am fearful of the time that I will lost . I am fearful that this will prove my man is a weakling .

$68000 SUPERSTAR CLUB , here I come for 2017 !!!!!

Universe please guide and bless me along my way šŸ™šŸ» 

I shall end my journal here .. Thanks for reading .

Love & Light


Conflicting values with your careerĀ 

Now I know why I sucks in my insurance business . I just realised that this career is conflicting to my personal life value . I have been in this career for almost 10 years, I love getting to know different people from various jobs and background . I love to hear about their story and knowledge . Over the years in my insurance line , I have make a lot of friends . Client who became close Friends with me. I enjoy my career most of the time , but the one I did not enjoy is the selling part . I never know why until today . I realised that selling insurance is a fear based industry . Sorry , I am stupid to realised it until now . 

In insurance line ,

Insurance Agent inflict fear into the client for unforeseen situation which are bad . The instant result for action is fear . When people in fear , their immediate response is to react. To react is to buy an insurance policy to protect yourself and your family in event of any critical illness, death , loss of income etc. 

I am lousy at inflicting fear into my client , damn lousy. Most of the time I feel that there is something wrong with me that I cannot sell as much insurance than my peers . The hard part is not making enough money for my day to day basis . But I still enjoy meeting with people . I love all my clients. 

My values are Love, going with the flow, living in the now , enjoying every moment in life  and everything happened for a reason.  Fear is just an ego way to control our action. But I am in a fear based career . How can I change the fear based selling to love based selling insurance ?  Since century , people have been selling insurance in fear based … 

How insurance started from my knowledge , pardon me if I am wrong . The invention of insurance is to accumulate a sum of money for the family of the decease for their daily living . A group of good Friends come out of a ideal to give money in the event of the death of their good Friend. This is love . How come it became a business and become a fear based action . Because of the commission and fear is the fastest reaction .

Should I quit my job ?? 

Now I am thinking how I can turn fear to love . 

For now I do not have an answer . I am Glad that Universe answer part of my question I ask yesterday night 

Thank you Universe for the guidence .

Love & Light


Ego talking

I can say that I find it quite hard to have faith ad trust the Universe when my situation is not ‘Good’ . I am a human , if I don’t see result in the world without , I will be sad and resistance to life. 
This is a very common habit of mine . When I think back , when ever my life is hard or there is financial difficulty . I always tell myself , you have to do something about this situation. There is always something to do . But whenever I start to really do something , I do not see any result. Funny enough , my result come in when I am not trying to do something to get out of a situation I deem as bad . Is this doing , suggested by the ego? I think it is our ego talking. 

Learning to accept wherever situation is the hardest thing we have to learn and learning to not blindly follow what our ego tell us to do is even hardest. Most of the time I just somehow relate to what my mind is saying as all truth , because I THINK THAT my mind is ME . I can say that actually my situation is not those ‘bad’ kind of situation where by it is life/death or I am in extreme depression because of this. I think my situation is deem bad by the ego because it is not of value to the outer world . Example “making money” , “being successful” , “buying stuff” etc 

My ego is telling me :

“Hey , you are not successful and you make no money , I want a life with full of wealth  !!! Pls go do something about it so that I can enjoy this kind of life !!!” 

Most of the time I will just do something about it . Become more hardworking , go office more early , meet more people . For years , I see no result . I have been doing this to fulfill my ego of a rich life that my ego wanted !!! 

This is not what my soul wants . 

I just finished reading The new world by Eckhart Tolle . Awesome book ! I really love how he write in detail about the character of ego . Some of the topics are abit hard to understand . This book really bring more insight on the ego that I can relate to myself . 

I start to be more aware of the ego talking . And not trust what my mind tell me . From my own understanding of this book . Universe have a better plan for all of us , things will unfold as long as we accept the “WHAT IS” .

Now , I will continue have faith with the Universe and enjoy my life as it is .

Thanks for reading my journal 

Thanks Universe

Love & Light


My Greatest Fear (Woman point of view)

Just read this insightful article regarding the fear of being alone from Renee Wade. I have been following her since I came to know about polarity in relationship, feminine and masculine energy. 

After reading this article , I realised that it is so normal that us woman have this fear in us . I always thought I am a dependent woman because I have this fear and I am ashame of it. My fear of being alone , have made me more close up , more defensive . The fear that my man might leave me in future is so unbearable for me to even think about it . To make it even worse I am still in a no status relationship for 4 years . However , I enjoy every moment with my man . But recently , I realised I become more and more emotional and I know that I am trying to sabotage my relationship so that my man will leave me asap , so as to prevent me from falling in love with him even deeper and getting more hurt if in the end he decided to leave me and marry some other woman . This fear prevent me from being vulnerable to my man . I build up a wall around him sometime when I am emotional . I have been going through an emotional roller coaster since i sold my car ( a big change in my life) . My man have been handling all my emotional abuse that I throw to him with love and patience . But I just keep giving him more . Surprisedly , he did not leave me and still adore me .  I did told him that I am sabotaging our relationship and he know that . Because of the lack of security , uncertainly and assurance in our relationship , I become a very insecure and scare woman. 

Why am I insecure and scare  ? 

The fear that he will leave me in future if our relationship have no status .

The fear that he will abandon me if he did not assure me my relationship is going somewhere .

The fear that if I open up more to him and he leave me I will die . 

The fear that he will not love me anymore , make me hopeless and helpless.

The fear that I will be come old and lonely in future .

All these voice down to the FEAR OF LONELINESS in me. 

I want to open up and love my man more deeply , but  I am very very very very very scare. The fear of him leaving me is unimaginable. I Guess after reading Renee article ; this fear is so normal , common and it will always be around no matter what . I came to a conclusion that I will just have to accept and face my fear , even if I wanted so badly to hid and run away with it . 

For now I hope that I have the courage to love my man more deeply and to give him my gift , my divine feminine energy to my masculine man . 

Thank you Universe for sending me the sign and guidence that I requested yesterday . I am glad I found the article by Renee Wada . Thanks for reading my journal. 

Her article have guided me when I need answer regarding my relationship . 

I highly recommend people to read up her blog  THE FEMININIE WOMAN

Love & Light



Hey all , Merry Christmas !!!! 

The first step of loving yourself is accepting . Accepting who you are , the good and the bad side. 

It is hard to accept myself . I have not accept myself for who am I. I don’t like myself But now I don’t hate myself . This is too irony.

Accepting seems like a dream to me . I can’t accept my current financial status , relationship status , career status , etc . Everything seems sucks !!!! 

I measure my self worth with the money in my bank account. This view of mine is really really distorted as I write this sentence . I wanted to laugh when I wrote this . OMG … This is so so ridiculous !!! 

Self worth = bank account money 

Am I blinded by my ego ??!?? 

Or my ego is controlling me ?!???!

So am I right to say a lot of money = Big ego 

Whenever I see my bank account money , I feel depressed . 

Who is the myself that I don’t like … The real me or the ego me. It seems like there are two me. The issue here is not about accepting who am I any more . Because the ego never accept anything which it deem as sub standard. Ego never compromise . Ego is like a child , who will be happy until it get what it want . But this happiness is never lasting . Once it gets this want , it will want a better and improve version for the next one . 

Maybe Universe know that I am still not ready to be rich because money is still linked with ego. 

Now I see more clearly . I am glad I write today . 

I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle : A new earth if anyone who want to know in depth about EGO . This book is talking about ego and how we thought that ego thoughts is our real me thoughts. This is confusing and I know . 

Thank you for reading . 

Thank you Universe

Love & Light


Year 2017 ” A ME Year “

2016 is coming to an end soon. Recently I have decided to make Year 2017 “A ME Year

What is a ME Year ?

To me, ME Year is a year where I focus and invest on myself . I have spend so much of my life chasing after one relationship to another relationship. This time round , I want to spend the time and energy on MYSELF. I want to give myself a chance where I do not need to focus on other people especially on relationship. 

My weakness have always been my love relationship . Each of my relationship last me around 2-4 years . 

How many more years do I have to invest on a man  ?

Am I disappointed for all the fruitless relationship ? Yes I am ….. But I have learn a lot from all my past relationships .

 In fact , I just realised only recently that I did not learn the most important lesson from these relationships:


It’s not to say that I do not love myself . Let’s just say that , subconsciously 70% of the things that I do, might be because I want to be in a fruitful relationship (meaning , I just want to get married off) or I just want my man to know my worth and my attraction. 

My main intention and focus is My Man , My relationship 

Now I am shifting the intention to “ME” . A year where is all about “ME”. A year where I cultivate my inner and outer self . A year where I get to know all about myself all over again. A year where I make Friend and understand myself . 

A year where I love myself unconditionally. 

Most of our life , we have spend so much time seeking approval and validation from others.  Spending our time to get to know , understand and love OTHER people , except OURSELVES.

How come we never do that to ourselves?

All we did to OURSELVES was to :

blame , compare , guilt , hurt , scold , despise and etc 

The most important person is “ME” . 

 I am not saying to be a narcissist . From my understanding narcissist is obsess with themselves and this is not loving yourself and this is not LOVE.  

I am still learning to love myself more . I will write more about my experience and process along the way of loving myself . 

I hope everyone will love themselves more in year 2017 . Be bless , good health and happy. 

Thanks for reading my journal . 

Thanks Universe for all the signs that you have given me .

Love & Light