Conflicting values with your career 


Now I know why I sucks in my insurance business . I just realised that this career is conflicting to my personal life value . I have been in this career for almost 10 years, I love getting to know different people from various jobs and background . I love to hear about their story and knowledge . Over the years in my insurance line , I have make a lot of friends . Client who became close Friends with me. I enjoy my career most of the time , but the one I did not enjoy is the selling part . I never know why until today . I realised that selling insurance is a fear based industry . Sorry , I am stupid to realised it until now . 

In insurance line ,

Insurance Agent inflict fear into the client for unforeseen situation which are bad . The instant result for action is fear . When people in fear , their immediate response is to react. To react is to buy an insurance policy to protect yourself and your family in event of any critical illness, death , loss of income etc. 

I am lousy at inflicting fear into my client , damn lousy. Most of the time I feel that there is something wrong with me that I cannot sell as much insurance than my peers . The hard part is not making enough money for my day to day basis . But I still enjoy meeting with people . I love all my clients. 

My values are Love, going with the flow, living in the now , enjoying every moment in life  and everything happened for a reason.  Fear is just an ego way to control our action. But I am in a fear based career . How can I change the fear based selling to love based selling insurance ?  Since century , people have been selling insurance in fear based … 

How insurance started from my knowledge , pardon me if I am wrong . The invention of insurance is to accumulate a sum of money for the family of the decease for their daily living . A group of good Friends come out of a ideal to give money in the event of the death of their good Friend. This is love . How come it became a business and become a fear based action . Because of the commission and fear is the fastest reaction .

Should I quit my job ?? 

Now I am thinking how I can turn fear to love . 

For now I do not have an answer . I am Glad that Universe answer part of my question I ask yesterday night 

Thank you Universe for the guidence .

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Ego talking

I can say that I find it quite hard to have faith ad trust the Universe when my situation is not ‘Good’ . I am a human , if I don’t see result in the world without , I will be sad and resistance to life. 
This is a very common habit of mine . When I think back , when ever my life is hard or there is financial difficulty . I always tell myself , you have to do something about this situation. There is always something to do . But whenever I start to really do something , I do not see any result. Funny enough , my result come in when I am not trying to do something to get out of a situation I deem as bad . Is this doing , suggested by the ego? I think it is our ego talking. 

Learning to accept wherever situation is the hardest thing we have to learn and learning to not blindly follow what our ego tell us to do is even hardest. Most of the time I just somehow relate to what my mind is saying as all truth , because I THINK THAT my mind is ME . I can say that actually my situation is not those ‘bad’ kind of situation where by it is life/death or I am in extreme depression because of this. I think my situation is deem bad by the ego because it is not of value to the outer world . Example “making money” , “being successful” , “buying stuff” etc 

My ego is telling me :

“Hey , you are not successful and you make no money , I want a life with full of wealth  !!! Pls go do something about it so that I can enjoy this kind of life !!!” 

Most of the time I will just do something about it . Become more hardworking , go office more early , meet more people . For years , I see no result . I have been doing this to fulfill my ego of a rich life that my ego wanted !!! 

This is not what my soul wants . 

I just finished reading The new world by Eckhart Tolle . Awesome book ! I really love how he write in detail about the character of ego . Some of the topics are abit hard to understand . This book really bring more insight on the ego that I can relate to myself . 

I start to be more aware of the ego talking . And not trust what my mind tell me . From my own understanding of this book . Universe have a better plan for all of us , things will unfold as long as we accept the “WHAT IS” .


Now , I will continue have faith with the Universe and enjoy my life as it is .

Thanks for reading my journal 

Thanks Universe

Love & Light

Alicecbn

My Greatest Fear (Woman point of view)


Just read this insightful article regarding the fear of being alone from Renee Wade. I have been following her since I came to know about polarity in relationship, feminine and masculine energy. 

After reading this article , I realised that it is so normal that us woman have this fear in us . I always thought I am a dependent woman because I have this fear and I am ashame of it. My fear of being alone , have made me more close up , more defensive . The fear that my man might leave me in future is so unbearable for me to even think about it . To make it even worse I am still in a no status relationship for 4 years . However , I enjoy every moment with my man . But recently , I realised I become more and more emotional and I know that I am trying to sabotage my relationship so that my man will leave me asap , so as to prevent me from falling in love with him even deeper and getting more hurt if in the end he decided to leave me and marry some other woman . This fear prevent me from being vulnerable to my man . I build up a wall around him sometime when I am emotional . I have been going through an emotional roller coaster since i sold my car ( a big change in my life) . My man have been handling all my emotional abuse that I throw to him with love and patience . But I just keep giving him more . Surprisedly , he did not leave me and still adore me .  I did told him that I am sabotaging our relationship and he know that . Because of the lack of security , uncertainly and assurance in our relationship , I become a very insecure and scare woman. 

Why am I insecure and scare  ? 

The fear that he will leave me in future if our relationship have no status .

The fear that he will abandon me if he did not assure me my relationship is going somewhere .

The fear that if I open up more to him and he leave me I will die . 

The fear that he will not love me anymore , make me hopeless and helpless.

The fear that I will be come old and lonely in future .

All these voice down to the FEAR OF LONELINESS in me. 

I want to open up and love my man more deeply , but  I am very very very very very scare. The fear of him leaving me is unimaginable. I Guess after reading Renee article ; this fear is so normal , common and it will always be around no matter what . I came to a conclusion that I will just have to accept and face my fear , even if I wanted so badly to hid and run away with it . 

For now I hope that I have the courage to love my man more deeply and to give him my gift , my divine feminine energy to my masculine man . 

Thank you Universe for sending me the sign and guidence that I requested yesterday . I am glad I found the article by Renee Wada . Thanks for reading my journal. 

Her article have guided me when I need answer regarding my relationship . 

I highly recommend people to read up her blog  THE FEMININIE WOMAN

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Accepting

Hey all , Merry Christmas !!!! 

The first step of loving yourself is accepting . Accepting who you are , the good and the bad side. 

It is hard to accept myself . I have not accept myself for who am I. I don’t like myself But now I don’t hate myself . This is too irony.

Accepting seems like a dream to me . I can’t accept my current financial status , relationship status , career status , etc . Everything seems sucks !!!! 

I measure my self worth with the money in my bank account. This view of mine is really really distorted as I write this sentence . I wanted to laugh when I wrote this . OMG … This is so so ridiculous !!! 

Self worth = bank account money 

Am I blinded by my ego ??!?? 

Or my ego is controlling me ?!???!

So am I right to say a lot of money = Big ego 

Whenever I see my bank account money , I feel depressed . 

Who is the myself that I don’t like … The real me or the ego me. It seems like there are two me. The issue here is not about accepting who am I any more . Because the ego never accept anything which it deem as sub standard. Ego never compromise . Ego is like a child , who will be happy until it get what it want . But this happiness is never lasting . Once it gets this want , it will want a better and improve version for the next one . 

Maybe Universe know that I am still not ready to be rich because money is still linked with ego. 

Now I see more clearly . I am glad I write today . 

I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle : A new earth if anyone who want to know in depth about EGO . This book is talking about ego and how we thought that ego thoughts is our real me thoughts. This is confusing and I know . 

Thank you for reading . 

Thank you Universe

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Year 2017 ” A ME Year “

2016 is coming to an end soon. Recently I have decided to make Year 2017 “A ME Year

What is a ME Year ?

To me, ME Year is a year where I focus and invest on myself . I have spend so much of my life chasing after one relationship to another relationship. This time round , I want to spend the time and energy on MYSELF. I want to give myself a chance where I do not need to focus on other people especially on relationship. 

My weakness have always been my love relationship . Each of my relationship last me around 2-4 years . 

How many more years do I have to invest on a man  ?

Am I disappointed for all the fruitless relationship ? Yes I am ….. But I have learn a lot from all my past relationships .

 In fact , I just realised only recently that I did not learn the most important lesson from these relationships:

TO LOVE MYSELF ❤️

It’s not to say that I do not love myself . Let’s just say that , subconsciously 70% of the things that I do, might be because I want to be in a fruitful relationship (meaning , I just want to get married off) or I just want my man to know my worth and my attraction. 

My main intention and focus is My Man , My relationship 

Now I am shifting the intention to “ME” . A year where is all about “ME”. A year where I cultivate my inner and outer self . A year where I get to know all about myself all over again. A year where I make Friend and understand myself . 

A year where I love myself unconditionally. 

Most of our life , we have spend so much time seeking approval and validation from others.  Spending our time to get to know , understand and love OTHER people , except OURSELVES.

How come we never do that to ourselves?

All we did to OURSELVES was to :

blame , compare , guilt , hurt , scold , despise and etc 

The most important person is “ME” . 

 I am not saying to be a narcissist . From my understanding narcissist is obsess with themselves and this is not loving yourself and this is not LOVE.  

I am still learning to love myself more . I will write more about my experience and process along the way of loving myself . 


I hope everyone will love themselves more in year 2017 . Be bless , good health and happy. 

Thanks for reading my journal . 

Thanks Universe for all the signs that you have given me .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn


What is the Life that I want????

What is the life that I want to be in ? 

What is happiness to me ? 

A loving relationship have always been my main focus in my life . But over and over again… It screw me over and over again. I am so tired of making this my main focus and in the end … What I get are idiot and bastard man … Always disappointing me ..

 I tell myself that 2017 will be a ME year… I want to know all about myself, to discover, to groom my inner and outer self . 

I no Longer want to cling on to the stupid ideal of a loving relationship . My greatest fear is being alone and poor when I am old and ugly . Maybe this is the fear that is keeping  me in the bottom of my life . 

I want to shine brightly . 

You can say I lost hope in relationship which in actual fact , I am too afraid to admit I had fail in my relationship . 

What is successful in a relationship …. ??

A loving Husband or marriage itself … Or it is just a status of being married … And no longer single . I don’t know . 

My future is dark … Maybe I am too negative … What’s new … I have been this way for months … I am still trying to walk out of it . Little things makes me angry … I am a vey unhappy person now who try to hide the unhappiness .. 

Why am I unhappy ? 

I don’t know … Is it because I have no future , my relationship is not going anywhere and same as my career too..what going on with my life right now .. It seems off but it seem right also . It’s hard for me to explain . 

Is it my fear of the successful that I will achieve in the future .. Or I am afraid that once I am successful and happy … Bad things will come and destroy it … Is this the reason I never wanted to Really be successful and happy . I don’t know .. I am just writing what my mind is thinking right now . 
Some how Writing journal relieve me . I shall end here . Thanks for reading 


Thanks Universe 
Love & Light 
alicecbn

ME again 


Sorry I have to write about negative stuff again. I have nowhere to write only here . The feeling of my parents are burden is back. . This was the feeling before I got myself a car 10 years ago. Everything is more clearly now. I blamed things/people who cause my life to be ‘Not Good’ .

I am the one to blame . Till now , I still have not kick off the habit of blaming people after my car is gone . Now I continue to passed the blame back to my family member. What fucking person I am ..  Only now I realised that I am such a lousy person . A person who always put blame on other people except for myself . In the past , I see myself As a very good and wise person. Now I totally see another fucking side of me , who I hate and avoid at all cost. This is painful , sad and suffering . I do not know when i can forgive myself . 

I dislike the “Current” me . I want to run away from this person . 

Why the feeling is back after so many years ?!?

I really don’t know how to handle . It feels like this is never going to end . When will I get my Happy Ending ? 

The problem I have my parents now is … Since after I scrapped my car, they thought I am very rich. But in fact , I am damn bloody poor right now . They keep asking me for money. This trigger a fact in me that I don’t want to face . 

I am a fucking lazy person who do not want to work hard for my finances !!!!! 

Who do not want a life where you don’t have to work and you can enjoy all the things in life . I am this kind of person .

Now I realised what kind of person I am and I know that I am not born with a gold spoon . 

So Pls damn fucking wake up !!!!

i know the journey will be hard . I just have to work more hard to become the best version i can be. To embrace the lazy pig in me and kick the ass out of this lazy pig.

I am the one responsible for all the situation and issue I have been through my this journey. For now onward, I will take responsible for myself . I know my mind (Ego) will put nasty thoughts of other things or people to blame. I will look for a way to control my mind and my ego .

I no longer want to be control by my mind / ego .

Thanks Universe for the unfolding of who I really is and I hope for more light in my life .

Thanks for reading my negative journal . Really appreciate you .

Love & Light 

Alicecbn