The Head and The Heart

I just woke up from a horrible falling dream , during my last moment of my life (In the dream) , I surrender to death . It feels so real in my dream . The intensity of the fall and the moment of surrendering . I woke up .

Why I am having this dream ? 

Most of the time dream are link to waking moment .

Two days ago I just have a talk with my man about why he don’t want to let his Sister and Mom know about our relationship .

His reasons:

1) Not getting marriage anytime soon. No known pressure 

2) He don’t want to get married 

Although it hit me hard  . Before I asked, I already knew what he was going to say. All the while I don’t dare to face the truth .

But things change when we had our first confrontation back in May , I stood up for myself . Back then I did not know I have the courage to voice myself . 

After the confrontation, I found my courage to speak my heart.

So I muster my courage to ask him AGIAN . I am always asking him this question once every year . Everytime I get the answer , I will be crying and be extremely sad. This time round it’s different . I can feel the difference in me . I am calm and LOGICAL during the conversion 

I know you reader will say I am stupid and I agree with you all . Most of you will say leave this asshole . 

I am stupid , I know 

My Head (aka The Mind) says : “Leave this man , he is wasting your time if he don’t want to get married “

My Heart says: “He really adore and love you and you know that . You can feel that .”

My heart is aching as I write this journal . 

I always don’t have the luck in love . I have been thinking that maybe there must be a lesson that I have not learn through all my failed relationship . This current one is a challenge for me to learn something . An important lesson . 

What is this important lesson that I need to learn that universe keep putting me in difficulties in all my love relationship. 

My Guess :

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE 

I never understand why two people who love eachother cannot be together .  This only happened in Korean drama . 

Why the man have to link with his head and not his heart .

Till now I still don’t understand .

I hope in the few months time I will see the truth and understand what universe is trying to teach me .

For now , I will surrender to what is . Cause I know in my heart I can’t leave him .

I shall end my journal here. Thank you for reading

Thank you universe for the challenges in my life 

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Unconditional Love

  
What is unconditional love ?

Online defination :

Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations, it can also be love without conditions. This term is sometimes associated with other terms such as true altruism, or complete love.

My defination :

Love without expectation 
  
 

To me loving unconditional is a very high form of Love. Loving without expecting is challenging . How many people in this world really can love unconditionally ? Very few. Giving , sacrifice , loving without expecting ANYTHING in return , I feel that only those people who is noble and goddess have this kind of love.

Now , I still can’t imagine myself going into a relationship not expecting any return/reciprocity or outcome (eg: marriage , commitment , next level of relationship etc) . I agreed that I am still a shallow person, I am still learning and growing everyday. Are you the same as me ? I need some form of validation , assurance to make me feel secure and confidence abt where my future or relationship is going. Sometime I tell myself if after 5 years me and my ex lover are not together , I will not regret my decision. I doubt about it and in the end I decided to leave that relationship because I am not willingly to face the fear and the pain of the unknown future that we might not be together. I know I cannot handle all these because I am still not ready , in term of giving unconditional Love. 

Sometime , a woman who is in a abusive relationship thought that she is giving unconditional love by staying with their abusive partner. A relationship which is not working or not going anywhere or not happy. Just ask your self.

” Do I expect anything from this relationship ? “
If your answer is “Yes” . This is not unconditional love , this is conditional Love.

Example :
1) woman in a abusive relationship, hope one day the partner will change , become a good person .

2) hoping your unromantic lover to do romantic stuff for you

3) hoping that your lover of 3 years will propose to you soon 

All these are expectations . 

Unconditional love is ………

1) Love the person for who he/she is 

2) Giving without expecting any form of return 

3) Respect his/her decision even u are unhappy , but he/she is happy 

4) Put his/her happiness above yours

The person who can fully give unconditional love is someone whose inner self is full of love , peace and happiness. Only when u found this unconditional love within yourself , then you can extend this unconditional love to the world without. It’s takes a lot of time , effort , courage, soul searching , inner self discovery to love ourselves as who we are unconditionally. 

This separation period with my ex lover, really make me think about unconditional love. Recently I always ask myself….

1) “Can I give unconditional love to him or this relationship? ”

2) “Can I not expecting anything in return ?”

3) “will I be happy for my decision if things do not work out between us after I past my marriage and child bearing stages just to be with him ?”

My answer is a “NO” for all. 

I am still living in a conditional love. I hope I will enlighten one day and move into unconditional love. 

Universe , Pls give me the courage and power to be able to face the uncertainly in life with love and happiness.

Thank you Universe

Love & Light 
Alicecbn