I just had a “marriage talk” with my man . It took me a lot of courage for me to talk to him about this sensitive topics as it is so obvious that both of us are running away from this .
I remember The last time that I brought up this topic was 2 years ago . It does not really end well for me , crying in a fast food restaurant and not having any definite answer as in where the relationship is heading .
I choose to stay in the relationship. I believe that things will change . Unfortunately, everything is still the same . My man is a stubborn as an Ox.
As we discussed , we realised that We are both running away from our fear . The fear of us not willingly to face the truth . The fear that he is avoiding this topic because he knew that the outcome will hurt me .
He stays firm and say “I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to have kids”
My greatest fear of facing this , to say out to me face to face from a man who I love for 5 years “He don’t know if he want any future with me .”
I did not shed a single tear . I just ask more question like a relationship consultant.
Probing further, I discovered that he is unsure and disconnected from his Heart.
He don’t know where our relationship is heading
He don’t know why he still continue to be in this relationship if he does not see any future.
What he know that , he is happy with me now . He is happy with the current situation, he do not want any change . He is afraid of change . He do not believe that he will have a blissful life with family and kids .
I ask him about this future . He say he will be alone . I ask him is this what you want in your life , he told me this is a consequence of his action .
I only can sense fear coming from him . The defensive and fear that he always cover himself up with the cheerful and loving face . Deep down , it is darkness and loneliness.
You all can call me stupid to believe the best of my man , I just feel that he don’t know how to love himself and follow his heart.
I am still learning to love. My love is limiting . 5 years in a Long term relationship without any commitment is energy draining . I am tired now . I have nothing to give . I am exhausted.
I told him , we both have issue and we both need healing of ourselves. Together, we can heal and grow together with eachother .
The 2 years that I give him because I thought that he can handle things himself . I realised I was wrong . We never had a proper relationship talk , we just have fun whenever we are together .
Do I regretted giving him these 2 years ?
I say 80% No , but 20% Yes , I blamed him for being indecisive in our relationship .
I don’t understand the grey area in a relationship. Want to be together then be together . No future and don’t want to be together , then leave . That’s so simple . Apparently it is not as simple as I think in my man ‘s point of view .
He think too much and complicates things .
LOVE IS SIMPLE .
Why pollute Love with so much fear.
I am going on a 2 weeks holiday next weeks , I told him we should not contact eachother during this period and really go think about our relationship . I let him go decide whether if he want to continue to stay in the relationship and plan for our future together or just be alone and plan for his future .
The residue of yesterday is carried over to today. I feel sucks . Crying in my bed just now, I really have no energy to continue to fight for this relationship myself .
I am really not sure since when my happiness is so dependent on my man . I always thought that I myself have my own happiness which is not linked to my man . Once again , I was wrong and lost .
I hope I can find my strength and my own happiness when I am back from my holiday . Fully recharge and hopeful about my future with or without him .
Thank you for reading my journal.
Thank you Universe.
Pls give me Strength, Courage, Love and Light to continue my journey.
Love & Light
Alicecbn
LovEnLight WithIn 
I tried leaving this somewhere else- if it is a double post then my apologies. Hi. Interesting that you have all these thoughts about money and judgment when really you already know that what YOU think and feel is what matters. Only. Money does give us freedom but like you said- life is not about how much you can buy or own. I use a lot of money doing fun things or going out for nice dinners, going on vacation, having experiences. I used to feel like I was “wasting” money because I am not saving 75% of my income. I pay my bills. I own a home and a car and I am a working mother, I am not married, and I have a twin soul who is not currently here in my life. Essentially it is me and my son, and I LIVE. I want to enjoy my life right now. I miss my twin soul a lot and it hurts, and because I hurt I want to be able to treat myself well. I like to have fun experiences with my child- that is where I spend my money. But I no longer feel like I “waste” money. I ENJOY my money. I use it to have FUN in life. If you make enough money for yourself to pay your bills and enjoy your life then you should not AT ALL worry about what others think of you! If you can get away with working less and enjoying living life more even if you are not making tons of money but you are able to live well and enjoy your life freely then AWESOME. Who cares if other people call you lazy? We were NOT put on this earth to slave away at a career! Humans created this idea of being successful=having some huge job and working 40+ hours a week. That is NOT success nor freedom to me. Freedom and success and happiness to me means doing my job, doing it well, and then coming home to enjoy the rest of my life. I could care less what anyone else thinks of me or my work ethic. I do have a good career but I attribute much of that to me telling the universe that I know I am taken care of. I am abundant. I always have enough money. Also I don’t spend much on clothes, bags, shoes. I shop at thrift stores. I wear a lot of the same clothes all the time. I am thrifty when it comes to buying “things” because I more like to travel and have experiences like going to festivals and carnivals and amusement parks and to the theater or Disney World, etc. You should measure your life by what brings you the most happiness. If your man is worth anything then he will never judge you for working less and LIVING more. But remember- if this man happens to be your twin soul then if you worry that he will judge you then he will act like he is because he will be your mirror to show you your fears (the fear that he might judge you.) Just tell yourself that your man loves you no matter what you do, and stick by that. Anyone else- who gives a fuck? Who cares what your parents think of how you live? None of that matters! Honestly it is none of your business what someone else thinks of you. All that matters is what YOU think of you, and that YOU are happy. Just be happy! If you can find a way to be happy and relaxed and *gasp* even “lazy” with seeing less clients then GREAT! That is AMAZING. “Lazy” is SOOOOO not real. Lazy is actually meaning sitting around enjoying life relaxing, taking the time to smell the flowers. That is how we were created to be- LAZY is not a bad thing. Honestly. You are judging yourself as being lazy because you don’t want to work a whole lot. Neither do I. I do work and I like my job but I LOVE my time away from work a lot too, and I make sure to take time off. We were created to enjoy life, be love, and be HAPPY. Please, do what makes you HAPPY and screw what others think of you. Just be happy. You do not need to increase your work ethic or “do more.” Not unless it means “do more to make you happy.” Take care!
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Thanks Jennifer for saying your feeling and thoughts . Really appreciate . Guess , I myself is judging myself . Most of the time I just seem unaware that I am judging myself . The I am a lousy person ego in me will always have control of me . You are the second person telling me that I should believe the best side of the story . And believe in myself . I want to believe my Twin love me . I am too afraid that it in the end he did not love me , I will be more hurt because I choose to “deceive” myself that he love me . Maybe I myself is running away from true love because of fear .
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Thanks for your thoughts and feelings. I really appreciate you read my journal . Actually , I am happy with what I am right now . It’s just that the behaviour of my twin make me feel that I not good enough . My self pity ego is still in control of me . Maybe all these while both of us are running . Because me and my twin is a mirror of eachother . We are running from ourselves. We are running from love .
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