IGNORE , when people say you are FAT

Sometime , when Friends and family member say I’m fat or why Im meaty . I will take their bullshit remarks as real because they are close to me . I will think the whole day to myself , saying to myself in the mirror , “Am I really Fat ?”

What I see in the mirror is an average weight woman , who don’t have the legs and abs of a model . Who is not as skinner as a model .

Hello, I am a 1.55cm , 48kg … under the weight standard I am under the healthy weight range . I myself always call “FAT” BY PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME !!

what a shallow world it is . Imagine people who are really over weight , how would they feel . Even for me , it is hurting and I will take their stupid comments as real and THINK THAT I AM REALLY FAT .

I realised that my Brother and my Cousins who call me fat , ALL THEIR WIVES ARE SKINNER AS A MODEL !!

THEY USE THEIR WIFE AS A STANDARD MEASUREMENT !!

People use model or people close to them as a standard gauge .

This is Ridicules !! It is so not true!!

Quoted from theguardian.com

For now, there’s a lot to work on. As Lawrence said: ‘We’ve gotten so used to underweight that when you are a normal weight it’s like, “Oh, my God, she’s curvy.” Which is crazy.’

It’s only when I’m aware , I will catch their bullshit remarks . But most of the time my ego will take it as real . Be aware of what your ego persist as real .

I’m am an average weight woman who also encounter this kind of bully . I urge woman to ignore what those bullies really say . They just want your attention and to put you down and make you feel bad about yourself .

This is what the ego loves . To make themselves feel good , they put people down .

This world is control by egos . Only awareness , you will lead a more truthful life .

Just always think deeper when someone passes a remarks which might not be true .

I shall end my journal here .Thank you for reading

Love & Light

Alicecbn

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I’m back !!!

Hi All , I really miss you all !!! Wahahahahaha …

Sorry for not writing my journal for such a Long time since May 2017 . Well , my man went into his cave and I have more me time . Reading back the posts I wrote in the past , I can’t help but to smile at the journal while reading .

I remember I say 2017 will be a ME year where I focus more on myself .

I can proudly say “I DID IT!!!” 😊

I went to took some of my insurance exam to refocus on my insurance career end of 2017 . Refocus back to myself instead of my love relationship .

After when I came back from my 2 weeks holidays in Australia last year, my man still did not have any definite answer on what direction he want for our relationship.

By the way he avoided me for a Month before we reconnect again .

What can I say I just love him for who he is 😂

Yes , We are still together !!!

I feel that we have evolved to a next level of relationship for the past 10 months . I opened up myself completely to him , and I have never felt so relieved in a relationship

In the past whenever my man go into the cave , I would have been in a emotional roller coaster . This is self sabotage.

Now , I just focus on myself and do happy stuff when he when into the cave .

After reading back my journal , I realised my life is much peaceful now .

I realised I have GROW SO MUCH when I FOCUS back on myself .

Loving myself and building confidence

My life is less drama now .

I Guess LOVING MYSELF is one of my core life lesson.

I am still learning to love myself and I am bless and glad that I am in stage of my life where I can see the changes in me when I first start writing my journal in 2015.

So happy that I write this post today .

I really appreciate you for spending your time to read my journal

Thank you very much

Thank you Universe for the guidance. May my light shines and make this world a little better place .🙏🏻

Love & Light

Alicecbn

(Photo taken by Me when I am in Harbin this year 2018)

The Marriage Talk


I just had a “marriage talk” with my man . It took me a lot of courage for me to talk to him about this sensitive topics as it is so obvious that both of us are running away from this . 

I remember The last time that I brought up this topic was 2 years ago . It does not really end well for me , crying in a fast food restaurant and not having any definite answer as in where the relationship is heading . 

I choose to stay in the relationship. I believe that things will change . Unfortunately, everything is still the same . My man is a stubborn as an Ox. 

As we discussed , we realised that We are both running away from our fear . The fear of us not willingly to face the truth . The fear that he is avoiding this topic because he knew that the outcome will hurt me . 

He stays firm and say  “I don’t want to be married and I don’t want to have kids”

My greatest fear of facing this , to say out to me face to face from a man who I love for 5 years  “He don’t know if he want any future with me .”

I did not shed a single tear . I just ask more question like a relationship consultant. 

Probing further, I discovered that he is unsure and disconnected from his Heart. 

He don’t know where our relationship is heading 

He don’t know why he still continue to be in this relationship if he does not see any future. 

What he know that , he is happy with me now . He is happy with the current situation, he do not want any change . He is afraid of change . He do not believe that he will have a blissful life with family and kids . 

I ask him about this future . He say he will be alone . I ask him is this what you want in your life , he told me this is a consequence of his action .

I only can sense fear coming from him . The defensive and fear that he always cover himself up with the cheerful and loving face . Deep down , it is darkness and loneliness.

You all can call me stupid to believe the best of my man , I just feel that he don’t know how to love himself and follow his heart. 

I am still learning to love. My love is limiting . 5 years in a Long term relationship without any commitment is energy draining . I am tired now . I have nothing to give . I am exhausted. 

I told him , we both have issue and we both need healing of ourselves. Together, we can heal and grow together with eachother . 

The 2 years that I give him because I thought that he can handle things himself . I realised I was wrong . We never had a proper relationship talk , we just have fun whenever we are together . 

Do I regretted giving him these 2 years ?

 I say 80% No , but 20% Yes , I blamed him for being indecisive in our relationship .

 I don’t understand the grey area in a relationship. Want to be together then be together . No future and don’t want to be together , then leave . That’s so simple . Apparently it is not as simple as I think in my man ‘s point of view . 

He think too much and complicates things . 

LOVE IS SIMPLE .

Why pollute Love with so much fear. 

I am going on a 2 weeks holiday next weeks , I told him we should not contact eachother during this period and really go think about our relationship . I let him go decide whether if he want to continue to stay in the relationship and plan for our future together or just be alone and plan for his future . 

The residue of yesterday is carried over to today. I feel sucks . Crying in my bed just now, I really have no energy to continue to fight for this relationship myself . 

I am really not sure since when my happiness is so dependent on my man . I always thought that I myself have my own happiness which is not linked to my man . Once again , I was wrong and lost . 

I hope I can find my strength and my own happiness when I am back from my holiday . Fully recharge and hopeful about my future with or without him .

Thank you for reading my journal. 

Thank you Universe. 

Pls give me Strength, Courage, Love and Light to continue my journey.

Love & Light 

Alicecbn

Thoughts on living with my mom who is a hoarder 


Recently my family have been throwing my mom’s things . She keep things likes , clothes , bags , books, bottles , zips , containers , newspapers and many more . Her room is surrounded by her prossessions ; bagged in plastics bags . 

We are clearing stuff for my bro wedding . Throwing away things that we keep for every Long but never use. My mom on the other hand , don’t throw things . Everything to her is useful , there will come a time when these things become useful . That’s her thinking . 

Living with my mom , made me realised that we have too many stuffs . We create a lot of waste because we get bored and lost the “feel good” feeling. We always seeking for new things to own in order to chase after our never ending unfulfilling “feel good” feeling . 

Do we really need all these stuff that we own ??

The waste accumulation have increase a lot over the decade because we can now afford a lot of things . After few months we will throw the stuff away or donate away . 

After this event with my mom, it really make me wonder how can I reduce the number of things I own or reduce the number of stuff I buy every month . I am creating a lot of waste . Bags and clothes that I brought few years back I no longer like it anymore .

I just feels that I practically have a lot of things !!!! Therefore , I have been quite consicous when I go shopping . Simplifying my life is what I am trying to learn now . Owning less things . I also realised that stuffs don’t spoil or torn so easily. Whatever we are bored off , are all in good condition . I Guess , I just focus on buying good quality bags and clothes to prevent me from buying a lot of cheap things . 

Just my random thoughts and feelings . Anyway appreciate you read my journal .

Thank you Universe 

Love & Light

Alicecbn

 

Just my thoughts on Retirement 


Recently I came across a few Facebook post , posting about people early retirement at around age 30 plus years old . All these people manage to save and grow their wealth to around 1 million for a period of 10 years . They quit their job after they reach their 1 million goal . 

What these people have in common:

1) they save around 75% of their income

2) they track their spending and investment diligently 

3) they invested their income 

4) they are happier with lesser things 

From what I read about , gone were the days where people scrape and save every penny , along the process they are miserable. They did not enjoy their life and they are old and rich. 

The current trend I see people enjoying the process of having lesser things in life. They spend their money wisely . While there are a lot of people out there saving around 75% of their income , they are actually enjoying a simple life . 

With the current society where we are condition to OWN MORE THINGS TO FEEL GOOD . I just feel that this is really not the way. Owning more things , will only strengthen our ego self. The list is never ending . We will forever be feeding our ego self and never be happy .

These young self made millionaires actually own less things and they are happy . I am impressed that they manage to retire at such a young age and it keeps me thinking about my own retirement. 

What does retirement mean to me ? 

Retirement mean :

1) I do not have to work anymore 

2) no need to worry about expenses for the rest of your life 

3) passive income from rental , investment , business etc 

I got confuse with retirement and having a career that I like to do. I am still confused now . As I am trying to figure out 

Passion in career vs retirement 

Does it mean if I love my job , there is no point for me to retire ? 

Why do people want to retire ?

1) they hate their job

2) old and lack of energy 

3) unhappy 

4) do the things they love 

5) having more time 

Or maybe I should ask myself this :

If today I were to have one million in my account . How would my life be like ?

Last time I would say , I would buy house , invest etc .

But now ,

I would say , life is as per Normal to me .

 (I think ….. Wahahahhaa. It might be different case if I really own a million )

Currently , I don’t hate my career, i like meeting with people , I like my job flexible working  hours and I enjoy 70% of my career . Provided I don’t have the stress to achieve target set by the company . 

I just told my Friend I am practically a semi – retired person 😂 . 

Maybe the only thing I don’t like about my career is the unstable income . Hard work pay off . I am a lazy person . So I still need my income for my expenses . When there is a need for income , we can’t really retire. 

I still quite confused about this , I Guess I have to research and search deeper within myself . I shall let Universe guide me along .

Thank you Universe .

Thank you for reading my journal 

Love & Light

Alicecbn

Lack of Discipline 

I have to admit that I hate discipline . I lack of discipline and that is my weakness and killer . Whenever discipline comes into my mind , it translate to hard work , boring , obscuring the flow , not loving , no freedom . I linked discipline with negative thought and emotion . This is why I hated being discipline by other or myself. I don’t like routine , I think it is boring. Discipline = routine . But I never run away from discipline in my life . The more I run away from it the more it come back to my face .
Without discipline , I can say that I am a damn lazy person . I have goals and dreams but I don’t know where to start because I don’t Don’t like being discipline . Buy after reading an article saying actually lazy is a trick of the ego . I have realised that I am being control by my ego most of the time . I thought that I am aware of my ego . In actual fact I am not . 

I have a very bad habit , whenever my business starts to pick up , I will revert back to the lazy me and my mind will tell me : “You have enough for this month , you can relax !! ” I would be so lazy to fix my appointment for the whole week or 2 weeks . I relax .. But deep down , I know that this is not what I want . It is a cycle . Without self discipline , I will never get out of this cycle and I will never achieve my goals and dreams. 

My life have been quite stagnant for more than a decade since I started working. It seem like nothing change much . 

All the while I thought that there is no discipline in my life . But I realised that there are some discipline that I incorporate myself . I started to swim Every week , controlling my diet and food intake , drinking warm water first thing in the morning when I wake up , discipline how I spend my money and keeping track of my money . 

ALL THESE ARE SELF DISCIPLINE !!!!!!

Unknowningly , I have been disciplining my life . I cannot give in to my lazy ego . I cannot fear discipline . This is one of the value that I want to build for myself , being self discipline . Although last time when every my mind say “discipline” I tend to ignore it . This time round I will view it as a positive value that I need to learn in my life . 

Thanks for reading my journal , really appreciate 🙂

Thank you Universe !!!

Love & Light

Alicecbn 

Have Faith in the Universe

Sorry that I have not been writing much this month as I have too much things to do for the past few weeks. 

What I have done the past few weeks are all new things I never thought that I would do . I started networking to meet up with new people and going for talk about health and food . I have been opening myself with new things that I do not dare to try in the past. I really have fun and I enjoy all these meeting with new people and new knowledge that I have gained . 

I started to believe in Universe and have faith with the flow of my life path. I believe that Universe have bigger and better plan for me. I surrender myself to the Universe (*** saying is easily than done *** ) I still do struggle to try not to control my life too much . That’s the fight between the ego and the soul . It is more distinctive now . Now, I can feel when is it my ego talking . It is like practically there is another different person in me . 

I can say that I am happy now 😃

This year will be a ME YEAR . My emo stage is over . For those of you who have read my journal for the past few months will know that I am in a mess since I sold my car . I am so glad that I walk out of it already . 

I still do not have money in my bank account . But I am happy with where I am now . 

Things are picking up as I learn to have more confident and faith in the Universe . I did see a few miracles that is from the work of the hands of the Universe . It’s a Awe moment. 

I have learn to flow with the Universe and most of the time it is quite fun and effortlessly . I just let things come to me . I am still trying to figure the surrendering part to the Universe . What I realised is that I still have to do my part . I have to ask . The result will come either way . It might not be my way , certainly it will come another way .  Just have faith . 

I still do have fear in me , I am still a human not a Saint . But I am aware of my fear . Whenever I aware of my fear . 

I will say the following quote :

“Thank you Universe , I am aware of my fear . I choose to see love .” 

The light will shine into the darkness . 

When you are in doubt just say the above quote to yourself to shine the light .

I shall end my journal here . Thank you for making time to read my journal .

Thank you Universe for your Love . I love you too 😘

Love & Light 

Alicecbn